Our Wookieepedia, beloved as it is, is not the most complete and indispensible repository of Star Wars lore in existence. Not everything is covered. It is not complete. This page will help to rectify that flaw. In-jokes ahoy!
Teh Ultimate Star Wars Guide!
Ask Aak
- "Ignore the threat of the Separatists? Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin!"
- ―Senator Ask Aak
The three-eyed Senator of Malastare and representative of the Gran. Yeah, the goat-faces. His eyestalks look uncomfortably phallic. Also the name of a popular search engine on the HoloNet, on which users can ask Aak a variety of questions involving goat-herding, masticating (yes, I did spell that right) and trolls under bridges.
Ackbar
- "For the last time, I do not look like a giant turd!"
- ―Admiral Ackbar
Fish-faced Admiral in the Rebel Alliance with a tasteful line in floaty chairs. Well-known for being able to point out any apparently obvious trap in the vicinity, then blunder straight into it while flailing his arms about for comic effect. Squelches when he moves. Word of advice: Never order the calamari special in the mess hall when Ackbar’s around. A headbutt from that immense noggin will huuurt.
Padmé Naberrie Amidala Skywalker
- "Oh, Anakin, you wiped out an entire Tusken village, slaughtering men, women and children? That’s terrible…wanna come back to my place?"
- ―Amidala to Anakin Skywalker
Queen of Naboo at the age of fourteen, displaying a prime example of the total political ineptitude of her subjects. Homeplanet was—surprise, surprise—invaded during her reign. Was too busy getting her lip pierced, shouting at her parents, sulking and consuming large amounts of vimto to notice. Fell in love with Anakin Skywalker after he destroyed a village of Tusken Raiders, then proceeded to marry him after Count Dooku lopped his arm off and made him cry. Became Senator of Naboo prior to the Clone Wars, to which her only notable contributions were at Geonosis (jumpsuit ripped to shreds by nexu) and Ilum (sporting ‘snow bunny’ outfit). Popularity waned when she adopted a wardrobe of highly-concealing, unflattering outfits after getting knocked up. Moped about a bit while Anakin slaughtered more people. Eventually died of a broken heart, apparently deciding she had nothing to live for after giving birth to twins in the company of her closest friends and colleagues during their desperate fight against evil. Haunted her daughter as a ghost to make sure she never forgot her mother.
Nom Anor
- "I always have a contingency plan! Ah. There goes my hand. Poot."
- ―Nom Anor at the Battle of Coruscant
Nom Anor was a spy for the Yuuzhan Vong, and was adept at leading his superiors into all kinds of bantha poodoo, whilst ensuring he himself had been conveniently stationed halfway across the galaxy. Once dressed up like Darth Vader (but this is family-oriented material, so we won’t go there). Tried to kill Mara Jade Skywalker, but was foiled by a pink chicken. Was so humiliated he joined the good guys for a time, and randomly strangled a few of his former colleagues. Was supposedly killed over Coruscant, but no one really believes that. Rumours of his severed hand showing up on Calamari as a symbol for a New Yuuzhan Vong Empire ruled by a three-eyed mutant are completely fabricated.
Wedge Antilles
- "Look at the size of that thing! Uhh....I’ve got, er, an engine failure here....yeah, that’s it. Oh, well, looks like I’d better pop off back to base for repairs. Ciao!"
- ―An example of Wedge’s heroic actions at the Battle of Yavin
Totally brave and courageous X-wing pilot who never gave up, no matter what the odds, not even if Darth Vader himself were chasing him. No, siree, Wedge was always dependable in the heat of battle! Also, he was definitely not offered a position with the Rebellion because his nephew was a famous Jedi Master. Wedge? He’s great!
Attichitcuk
Chewbacca's father. Even he doesn’t know how to pronounce his name. Is the sole owner of the Galaxy's largest collection of holo-porn. Is now blind.
Darth Bane
- "There is absolutely no flaw in having only two Dark Lords at any one time! It’s not like they’ll, oh, I dunno, kill each other or anything, is it? Ha! We’re Sith!"
- ―Far-sighted visionary Darth Bane
Dark Lord of the Sith who instigated the Rule of Two, creating the new Sith Order following the Battle of Ruusan. Took an ikkle kid called Rain as his apprentice, which just goes to show that bald guys with names like Bane tend to be lacking in the ol' cranial department. Originally conceived the Rule of Two, as opposed to ruling the Sith alone, because he really fancied some Sith chick with honkin’ big nerfs. Wey. Hey.
Soon Baytes
- "[Insert Nob Joke Here]"
- ―Everyone He Has Ever Met
OK, seriously. Master Soon Baytes. I don't even have to bother, do I?
Jar Jar Binks
- "Man, what was I smokin’ that day? Whee!"
- ―George Lucas on Jar Jar Binks
No comment. No. Comment.
Bossk
- "It’th not eathy being a big green lithard, you know. I jutht want to be loved! Pleathe!"
- ―Bossk, feared bounty hunter
A reptilian bounty hunter with a natty line in bright yellow jumpsuits. Was notable for his complete inability to capture Han Solo, despite a long-running, natural hatred of Solo’s first mate Chewbacca, and the fact that Solo once landed his ship on top of Bossk’s…with Bossk still inside. Talk about wasted incentive. Was known to have eaten his own father, and that just ain’t right. Has a lithp.
Lando Calrissian
- "Hey, you old pirate! I’ve got a crazy idea for another wacky credit-making scheme! With hilarious results! Sigh, I feel so dirty."
- ―Lando Calrissian on patented wacky schemes
One of approximately half-a-dozen black guys in the entire galaxy, Lando "Colt .45" Calrissian is a scoundrel, a card-player and a gambler. You’d like him. Owner of Cloud City, a floating mining facility on Bespin home to the galaxy’s largest roller-disco. Calrissian has a glitterball in his quarters, and man, does he jive to a funky groove! Rumoured to be the long-lost son of Grando Calrissian, the Crown Prince of Funk.
Tycho Celchu
- "I’m not an Imperial spy…or am I?!!? No. No I’m not. Please put your blaster down."
- ―Tycho Celchu
An ace pilot and native of Alderaan who married Winter after joining Rogue Squadron. I mean, what are the chances of a guy not only meeting another displaced native of his destroyed homeworld, but that said displaced native is a dead ringer for Princess Leia? And Obi-Wan says there’s no such thing as luck…
Daala
- "Nobody expects Admiral Daala! My chief weapon is surprise, surprise and Star Destroyers, Star Destroyers and surprise—my two weapons are Star Destroyers and surprise, and ruthless efficiency—my three weapons are Star Destroyers and surprise and ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Empire—my four…no, amongst my weapons…Amongst my weaponry are such elements as Star Destroyers, surp—oh, I'll just stay in this cluster of black holes."
- ―The fearsome might of Admiral Daala
Daala caused more damage than the Death Star. That's assuming, of course, said Death Star was turned upon the scraggly remnants of the Galactic Empire and let loose on a zelot-envying rampage across the Galaxy, causing not only massive amounts of aforementioned damage but also ensuring the complete polarization of the Imperial command. Hell, even that freaky vein-head managed to beat her ass. She also slept with Wilhuff Tarkin, which…y'know, I'm just going to stop there and let your imaginations vomit all over your brains.
Biggs Darklighter
- "Don't worry baby, even at this speed I'll be able to pull out in time!"
- ―Biggs "The 'Tache" Darklighter
Ace Rebel pilot and notorious 70's porn star, Biggs "The 'Tache" Darklighter was raised on Tatooine, and later joined Rand Ecliptic, a late-night HoloNet channel where he played "Randy" Ron Biggs. He was later shot down by Darth Vader for trying to penetrate his exhaust port.
Darth Vader's secret apprentice
- "I'm thirsty. Hey, I'll just use the Force to get a space-beer out of the space-fridge. And now I'll use the Force to make my favourite Nuna-ball team win the cup. And now I'll destroy a planet. Because I'm awesome."
- ―Secret apprentice
Darth Vader's totally top-secret uber apprentice was really awesome and kewl with a capital "K". He could totally use the Force to push Star Destroyers about the place without breaking a sweat. Yeah, he could totally whup Palpatine's prune ass. Blindfolded. And he could beat Kyle Katarn at arm-wrestling...
...Nah, that's going too far. He's actually a scrawny punk kid, though don't tell him I said that. He might scowl moodily at me.
Marasiah Fel
- "*Pout*"
- ―Princess
Leia Sia
Marasiah Fel. Here's hoping the gold bikini's still around, eh?
Boba Fett
- "Hi."
"*nerdgasm*"
- ―Boba Fett and Every Fanboy Ever
Who? No, I can't find anything on him. Wasn't he just a background character with, like, four lines of dialogue? Who'd want to write an article about him?
Jango Fett
- "What, that Mandalorian mask and battle armor replete with jetpack and saberdart launcher? Oh, I use that for, er…spelunking. Hey, look over there—woopwoopwoopwoopwoo!"
- ―Jango Fett's masterful escape from Obi-Wan Kenobi
Jango Fett was an infamous bounty hunter. Such was his fame, many believed he would someday become the head of the Bounty Hunters Guild. He refused, however, because he didn't have a head for business. Personally, I don't think that kind of attitude will get you ahead in life. Although it was known that, in perilous situations, Jango often lost his head. He had no love for Jedi, and always tried to keep ahead of them. Things came to a head on Geonosis when he was killed by Mace Windu. He was shot in the chest, I think.
Oh, come on people, that's gold! Gold!
Borsk Fey'lya
- "People hate me because I'm a Bothan; not because I'm a completely amoral sell-out."
- ―Borsk Fey'lya
Borsk Fey'lya was a Bothan. Yeah, you can see where we're going with this. During the Thrawn crisis, he tried to usurp control over the New Republic Defense Force by saying that he didn't care whether or not soldiers died just because they didn't want to vote for him. Apparently, Fey'lya never learned two major rules of politics: Always support the troops, and never tell the truth on an open intercom. Everyone forgot about him until the Yuuzhan Vong War, when he was elected Chief of State in the largest vote they had seen (seriously, how many people did he bribe?). When Coruscant fell, he blew himself and twenty five thousand Vong up rather than run in fear and eat major crow for the rest of his life. As a way of saying thank you, the Bothans declared a genocide in his honor. God, Bothans are messed up. Seriously, who'd let a talking horse lead the Galaxy?
Kit Fisto
One of the most highly respected Jedi Masters in the Jedi Order. Not because of his amazing lightsaber technique or ability to defuse any hostile situation or so forth....but rather because of his gleaming smile and the fact that he once snogged Aayla Secura. Because she was, er, drowning. Yeah. He was giving her air. That’s it. Damn him. Got sliced and diced by Darth Sidious…still with a grin on his face.
General Grievous
Once known as Qymee....Qyman....Quym....Qyaeman jai Shale....ah, er....Grievous, his 100% actual real birthname, hailed from the world of Kalee, where he fought the Huk in a series of bloody battles. The InterGalactic Banking Clan was impressed by his awesome Leet-class warrior skills, so they crippled him, shoved him in an iron lung and stuffed his vital organs into a flammable, easily-reachable sack. That ingenious plan paid off for all of half an hour, before Obi-Wan Kenobi made Grievous’s eyes go boom. And so, Grievous died a tragic and ignoble death on a forgotten world on the Outer Rim, encased in a hideous droid shell....but exploding eyeballs, eh? Sweet.
Nute Gunray
- "I'm so ronery, so ronery, so ronery and sadry arone…"
- ―Nute Gunray
Nute Gunray was a Bad Racial Stereotype from the planet Sweeping Generalizations. He became Viceroy of the Trade Federation because, during the conference during which the rest of the Trade Federation Directorate was murdered, he was, I dunno, in the space-port-a-loo or something. Anyway, he became head of the Federation, a job which largely involved minimal mouth articulation and profuse sweating. Regardless of his general ineptitude, he excelled at staying alive by running away, making him in effect the Rincewind of the Federation. Unfortunately for grub-face, he was killed by Darth Vader before he could even finish his last words. Likely no one would have understood them anyway.
San Hill
- "I'm not dead."
"'Ere, he says he's not dead!"
"Well he will be soon, I've just stabbed all three of his hearts."
"I'm getting better."
- ―San Hill, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker
San Hill was a pasty-faced Muun wan…sorry, banker, who served as the Chairman of the InterGalactic Banking Clan. He joined the Separatist Council and was killed on Mustafar by Anakin Skywalker. Also, he liked to wear pretty dresses and played with dolls. See, we can all make stuff up, Petroglyph. Next you'll be telling me he was a Human with a beard…
Corran Horn
- "I’m the balls. I rock. And I look good. Hey, everyone, come and see how good I look! Oh, by the way, there’s been a crime. I know who done it. But I’m not going to tell you because I think I’m gonna be a Jedi now. I’ll totally own at that, too. Ciao."
- ―Corran Horn, ace detective
If you ever see an ego the size of a standard planetary system coming your way, it’s a good bet this guy’s on the other end, probably with a lightsaber and some kind of Corran-centric witticism. Was a kick-ass detective in CorSec until he got bored of it, then became a kick-ass fighter ace with Rogue Squadron. Later decided to give the New Jedi Order a go, inserting himself neatly into any given situation that didn’t actually require his presence, just to show off a bit. Married Mirax Terrik and continued to kick-ass as a detective-pilot-Jedi hybrid. The only time he was ever given any actual responsibility—leading the Jedi Order in Luke Skywalker’s absence during the Dark Nest crisis—he mucked it up a bit. He didn’t care, because he was given a funky office.
Crimson Jack
- "What? Damn it, I don't need to wear pants! I'm a manly man! I have a massive red beard and a big shiny belt! And crimson is a manly color!"
- ―"Crimson Hot Pants" Jack
Crimson Jack was the fruitiest most fearesome space-pirate operating out of a big pink castle in the clouds during the Galactic Civil War. He and his band of handlebar-moustachioed manly space-pirates pillaged and plundered the spacelanes for many years. He liked leather, which is in no way not completely un-hetrosexual at all. He wanted to lay his hands on Han Solo's big booty. And by booty I of course mean vast amount of treasure awarded to him by the Rebel Alliance. Because Crimson Jack is a real man's manly man.
Jedi Exile
- "{Gameplay Programmer: Insert dialogue here}"
- ―Jedi Exile
Marin Forak The Jedi Exile was a male female male *blank* *revert* female Jedi Padawan Knight who may have been Zayne Carrick or an apprentice of Kavar and who supposedly fought in the Mandalorian Wars and got amnesia (no wait, that's Revan) *blank* *revert*... And he she is a wound in the Force. Or maybe just the Jedi Council thought so. That's probably why they exiled him her—to have a dangerous ex-Jedi roaming free like Zayne... Or maybe it was a trap all along? *blank* *revert* Anyway, he she is notorious for blowing up Malachor V (or maybe taking it over), having a romance with Visas Marr Brianna Atton Rand (or was it Disciple Mical? Or all four? Now, where was I?), being gullible to certain Sith Lords manipulating him her (or maybe he she was just pretending?), complete and utter silence (whatever quotes remain are deciphered from his her body language), the ability to knock over and stun twenty wannabe Sith with one hand-wave, the ability to generate and master all forms. That's right. Even the uberform. Or maybe not, if he she was a Consular. Ah, and he she was a Human. At least, one fact we do know. Although some believe he she was an Arkanian. *blank* *revert* Wait, is there anything known about this guy gal? Let's just put a generic image and be done with it. By the way, did I mention he she *blank* *revert* was also capable of generating extremely long and pointless flamewars?
Damn you, Obsidian. Damn you all to hell!
Muchos kudos to Mr. Sikon for the text. Domo arigato.
Qui-Gon Jinn
- "Love is the answer to the darkness. Love is all you need. Dude! Free love up in Jedi Limbo!"
- ―Qui-Gon Jinn on Tree-Hugging Dead Jedi Hippies
Qui-Gon Jinn was, like, a totally chilled-out cat, dude. He blew my mind man, blew my mind. This one time, dude, he started talking about these "midi-chlorians", and I was all like, "Dude, that's so trippy!" and he was all, "Yeah, dude, I totally made that s*** up, man", and I was like, "Dude!", and he was like, "Dude!", and I was all, "Dude!"
So yeah, he was cool man. Got wasted by some weird tattooed freak, dude, and that's not rad. A real bummer. Though, right, I heard Yoda talking this one time, and he was all, "See Qui-Gon every day I do" and, like, "Floating in front of me, he is". Dude needs to lay off the spice. Seriously.
K'Kruhk
- "Why, thank you. Yes, it is pretty freakin’ sweet."
- ―K’Kruhk on The Hat™
OK, think of Highlander in a Freakin’ Sweet Hat, all covered in hair. That’s K’Kruhk. He can never die, not even after being stabbed by a lightsaber or generally mauled on at least three |separate occasions. His sheer awesome ability of Not-Dying is powered by his Freakin’ Sweet Hat, which, for reasons far too apparent to bother detailing, is Freakin’ Sweet. Word.
Ki-Adi-Mundi
- "If I did not fear incarceration from Imperial authority figures, I would terminate your life functions by applying sufficient pressure to your blunt skull so as to force its collapse!"
- ―Ki-Adi-Mundi-Conehead
Ki-Adi-Mundi, also known as The Conehead, Whale-Face and That Big-Pointy-Headed Geezer, was a Jedi Master during the last decades of the Galactic Republic. Well, actually, he was only a Jedi Knight, but kept that quiet so he could get a comfy seat on the Jedi High Council. Generally, his only notable contributions to Council sessions were so boring, the droid tasked with taking the minutes shut down its internal systems in an attempt to end its miserable existence. Indeed, the only notable action Ki-Adi-Mundi was known for was to give the Galactic Marines their bad-assed image by getting owned by them. As testament to Ki-Adi's skill, one of them even managed to dodge his deflected blaster shot. The poor conehead: all that wasted space up there.
Kyle Katarn
- "There is no chin behind Kyle Katarn's beard; just another fist, holding a Bryar blaster."
- ―Random and Totally True Kyle Katarn Fact
Kyle Katarn kicks ass, chews gum, takes names and sleeps with your wife in the process. He’s just a guy with a lightsaber, some questions and the ability to beat up anyone in the galaxy. Is the wielder of the Shoulderpad of Power, which is actually grafted onto his skin. As an indicator of his pure kick-ass-ness, he has a beard. Basically, Kyle Katarn rocks your freakin’ socks off. He also has trans-dimensional pockets, allowing him to carry objects such as rocket launchers in his pants with no discomfort—and is thusly able to answer "Both" to the question, "Is that a rocket launcher in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?".
Obi-Wan Kenobi
- "Well hello there…d'ya know shumthin? D'ya…you're, you're my besht friend. Inna whole wide Galaxy. Yesh you are. Yesh you are. Hic."
- ―Obi-Wan Kenobi
Obi-Wan Kenobi, also known as Old Ben and Obi-Wan Ka-Boozy-Drinker was a Jedi Knight who trained under Qui-Gon Jinn. Was near-constantly captured and tortured by various evil-doers and rabid fan-girls for the first twenty-odd years of his life. Knowingly sported a mullet in his thirties, though quickly realized his fashion crime and shaved it off when he became a Jedi Master. Sadly, the mullet had already infected his brain, leading him to mutilate his apprentice because he took offense to emos. Shamed, Obi-Wan began a nineteen-year-long exile on Tatooine, most of which was spent getting completely rat-arsed at the nearest cantina. Trained Luke Skywalker in between bouts of moderate to heavy drinking. This caused him to remain in a state of constant drunken stupor throughout Luke's training, and was so out of it, he didn't realize he'd been sliced in half by Darth Vader. Fortunately, the liquor was strong with him, and Kenobi was able to return to Luke as a big ol' blue guy…when he wasn't sampling the extensive drinking establishments up in Jedi Limbo.
Agen Kolar
- "Ooh, what a pretty statue that is! Eh, what lightsa...."
- ―Agen Kolar’s last words (because "It doesn't hurt" just doesn't count, dammit!)
Agen Kolar was a Jedi Master blighted from birth by a short attention span. For instance, if he were, for example, about to engage in mortal combat with the most evil and powerful Dark Lord of the Sith in history, he might accidentally let his mind wander, perhaps to thoughts about flowers or little fluffy nerfs or something. Next thing you know, he’s been ripped a new a-hole. Worst. Jedi. Ever!
Eeth Koth
- "Eeth Koth!"
"Yes?"
"What? No, I was just clearing my throat."
- ―Mace Windu and Eeth Koth
Eeth Koth was a Jedi High Council member in the Galactic Republic. He…er, well, one time, he…um…one of his missions involved…sheesh, has this guy actually done anything? And here I was thinking Zabrak were cool…
Crix Madine
- "(Generic beardy-General-type dialogue)"
- ―Crix Madine prior to the Battle of (Insert Planet Name)
Crix Madine was an Imperial officer who defected to the Rebel Alliance. His timing wasn’t great, since he’d just trained a bunch of Imperial soldiers with 1337 haxor skillz, so, if anything, he hindered the Rebellion more than he aided the Alliance by defecting. Way to go. He was later shot by Durga the Hutt. Seriously, can Hutts even hold blasters with those punky little arms? That Madine was pretty lame.
Darth Maul
- "I wandered lonely as a cloud/That floats on high o'er vales and hills,/When all at once I saw a crowd,/A host, of golden daffodils./Beside the lake, beneath the trees,/Fluttering and dancing in the breeze."
- ―Darth Maul, linguist extraordinaire
He's very horny. Ha. Do...do you see what I did there? Becuase...because he's got horns on his head, I made the joke that he's also...eh, forget it. He got diced by Kenobi. And didn't come back! Ever! EVER!
Mon Mothma
- "Many Bothans died to bring us this information. Still, lucky we didn’t lose any humans, eh? Eh? Am I right? Hah. Those crazy Bothans."
- ―Mon ‘Bothan Schmothan’ Mothma
Mon Mothma was the Senator of Chandrilla during her young, hot-redhead days, though sadly she was hardly seen at this time. She became prominent in galactic history as the leader of the Rebel Alliance, after forcing the hillbilly to leave and the goatee guy was blown up. She sent loads of Rebels to certain death because she believed the Emperor was actually dense enough to leave his new battle station unprotected. She was forgotten about during the Yuuzhan Vong crisis, until someone discovered she’d actually died in her sleep some years prior.
Ric Olié
- "Look over there, a planet entirely covered by one big city. And look, there is a Human. He has two arms and two legs, not to mention two eyes and two buttcheeks. But, get this, he only has one nose, mouth and bellybutton. I am being very helpful. You have drawn your blaster. You are aiming it at m—"
- ―The last words of Ric Olié
Captain Ric "Obvious" Olié was the name of a character in the Star Wars Saga, specifically in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. The character was named Ric Olié, a designation consisting of seven letters, two of which are capitalized, and one has that little flicky thing over it. Ric Olié pilots a spaceship in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, which is a form of ship that flies in space, hence the name, "spaceship". The character Ric Olié is a Human. He is also male. He has a bald patch and bad fashion sense. He is not a Dark Lord of the Sith, a Wookiee or the love child of Jabba and Gardulla the Hutt.
Onimi
- "Marry, sir, thee wouldst be hoisted by thine own petard, i'faith!"
- ―Onimi, court jester
Onimi was the mutated love-child of Quasimodo and Yaddle, who served as Supreme Overlord Shimrra's jester during the Yuuzhan Vong War. This guy was ugly. I mean really ugly. His face could drop a rancor at twenty paces. Anyway, between bouts of unneccesary capering and attempts to get into Nen Yim's bio-engineered pants, Onimi served as the true power behind Shimrra's throne, having been manipulating old rainbow eyes for many years. He was ultimately melted by Jacen Solo, possibly while clutching a magical ring and screaming "my preciousssss!"
Palpatine
- "Me, I want what's comin' to me... the Galaxy, and everything in it."
- ―Palpatine
Panaka
- "We're f***ed. Seriously."
- ―Captain Panaka, always looking on the bright side of life
Captain Panaka was the Head of Security for Queen Amidala on Naboo. Unfortunately, he did not make a good leader, since he had absolutely no faith in the abilities of his troops, not even when their only challenge was to beat up a few walking tin cans. As a measure of her respect for him, Amidala never listened to a word Panaka said, and seemed to delight in doing the exact opposite to what he advised—fighting battles Panaka didn't think they could win, going to Tatooine, trusting the Jedi…heck, I bet he told her not to sleep with whiny mass-murderers as well. See, she only got with Anakin to annoy Panaka. Anyhoo, Panaka's dour outlook can probably be attributed to the Helm of Pessimism he insisted on wearing, an heirloom that seemed to have somehow found its way into Jacen Solo's possession throughout the Yuuzhan Vong War.
Darth Plagueis
- "Seriously? A Muun? Those skinny white freaks? Who's idea was that?"
- ―Darth "Not Voldemort" Plagueis
Darth Plagueis was the Dark Lord of the Sith who trained Palpatine, before he was killed by his apprentice. Er, well, he probably done some really interesting stuff in his life, but, er, we can't really prove any of it. Nope, not even the "manipulating midi-chlorians to create life" thing. Erm, so there's not much to... hey, look over there, rabid fanboys! It's James Luceno! Get him!
Mrp-Mrp Poo
No, I don't care if he's not canon, his name is Mrp-Mrp Poo.
Yarael Poof
- "Ut. Oh, crap, no that's not my last word! Er, hold on…I'm thinking of something…er, ut? Damn-ut!"
- ―Yarael Poof, dying like a punk
Yarael Poof, affectionately known as Q-Tip or That-Big-Assed-Neck-Guy was a member of the Jedi High Council in the Galactic Republic. He was the reason why the Council wasn't allowed to install a ceiling fan in their chamber. Also, saved Coruscant, probably.
Jek Porkins
- "I've got a problem here…I've run out of fries! Life isn't worth living!"
- ―The last words of Jek Porkins
Jek Porkins. For the purposes of comedy, assume that the article I am too lazy to write for this guy would include numerous hilarious references to his obesity and propensity to consume vast quantities of fatty junk foods. Perhaps said article would also link to a Photoshopped image of Porkins at the Battle of Yavin, with a bucket of chicken wings in place of his flight controls. It's funny because his greed would directly result in his horrific death.
Alema Rar
- "Slut is such a harsh word. I prefer the term, ‘facilitator of services’. I aim to please as many people as I can. And by people, I mean anything with a pulse. Seriously. Hey, is that a lightsaber in your pocket…"
- ―Alema Rar
Alema Rar was a Twi'lek of dubious promiscuity. I mean, I don't really need to spell it out, do I? (Though if anyone has any detailed diagrams, I'd be happy to, er, study them.) The fact that she once hit on Lando "Intergalactic Space Pimp" Calrissian can hardly be used in evidence; though the fact that every Jedi in the academy could probably draw you an accurate diagram of her labia with a spirograph is perhaps more revealing. (again, don't hesitate to send those diagrams in, kids!)
Having said that, she's now got one arm, half a foot and a mangled, deformed body after being chewed almost to death by a spidersloth. Still, sex, eh? Phwoarrr!
Dash Rendar
- "[Witty opener] Corellian [scathing putdown]. [Negative statement] odds [smug comment], [derogatory sexist nickname]!"
- ―Dash Rendar
Dash Rendar was a Corellian smuggler who flew a YT-series freighter with his humor-inspiring copilot. He was born San Holo. Aw, come on, it's about as subtle as anything else that's ever been written about the guy, if not moreso. Anyway, he fought alongside members of the Rebel Alliance, though was reluctant to join the group. Hold on, which one am I talking about again? Oh. Right, that one. Right. Ultimately, his heart of gold shone through his gruff, smug exterior, endearing him to his friends and colleagues. Then he died. Died. I don't believe in evolution, OK?
Ganner Rhysode
- "Er, these Yuuzhan Vong aren’t so tough. Look, I’m owning a few thousand of them pretty easily here. And I’m a pretty rubbish Jedi, too. Don’t see how they pose you much of a problem, Luke. Oh, you’ve fainted again."
- ―Ganner’s Last Stand
Ganner Rhysode was a no-name Jedi, right up until a few seconds before his death. His final stand took place on a bridge overlooking a vast chasm, where he proclaimed none shall pass, and sacrificed himself to save his friends. It was a bit of a bummer when he learned he wouldn’t be coming back in Destiny’s Way as Ganner the White.
Aayla Secura
- "Er, I…didn't quite catch that. Got…distracted…"
- ―The response of any male to ever speak to Aayla Secura, ever
Aayla Secura was a Twi'lek from Ryloth who was trained as a Jedi Knight by Quinlan Vos. Some of her many notable achievements included defeating the Morgukai Bok in single combat, participating in the Battle of Saleucami and having pert breasts surviving the Battle of Hypori. She boasted magnificent busoms great skill with the Force and was in possession of freely-bouncing, juicy blue melons a keen intellect and…something something mumble funbags mumble.
…
Erm, what was I doing?
Bastila Shan
- "I love/respect/hate Revan. He/she is the greatest/most despised man/woman I've ever loved/met/wanted to impale. Okay, seriously, can't he/she just make up his/her mind? And stop looking at my breasts. Give me some clothes."
- ―Bastila Shan
Bastila Shan was a Hot Chick-class Jedi Padawan with the ability to sit around for a bit and think about winning a battle that was likely, without her involvement, at that very moment going very badly for the Republic. She called it "Battle Meditation". I call it "sleeping on the job". Speaking of which, she had a romantic involvement with Revan, former Dark Lord of the Sith. Reports of her turning to the dark side and helping destroy the Republic Navy are unsubstantiated—which is a shame, because said reports also indicated the Sith offered her a line of kinky underwear as part of her Sith dress code.
Anakin Skywalker
- "Never! I'll never turn to the dark side! What? I could save up to 10% on my Force insurance by switching to the dark side? Dude!"
- ―Anakin Skywalker
- "(Insert random emo whine)"
- ―Anakin Skywalker
- "Oh, oh I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastard! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!"
- ―Anakin Skywalker on Mustafar
Anakin Skywalker was a slave on Tatooine during his annoying, bowl-haircutted pre-pubescent stage, during which time he delivered the Galaxy's Official Worst Pick-up Line Ever on Padmé Amidala. She actually went for it. Later done some more stuff while shouting various catchphrases too mind-nobbingly irritating to reproduce here. A decade later, he joined a boy band and became a Jedi Whiny Emo Bitch.
Cade Skywalker
- "Grr, I'm all mean and surly! Don't get close to me, because something in me is broken and twisted. You can tell because I've got some stubble on my chin and I don't wash. Rawr."
- ―Cade "Don't Have a Cow, Man" Skywalker
Cade Skywalker, that loveable scamp, was a little rascal with an earring and a taste for dead men's clothes. He enjoyed the musical stylings of emo bands and would often throw adorable hissy fits. Had many a zany adventure with his daring chums, bless their little cotton socks. He's so cute when he gets all angsty. Is into hardcore drugs, but they're all brightly colored and look like candy, so it's OK. Poses in leather a lot.
Shmi Skywalker
- "He's not the Chosen One, he's a very naughty boy!"
- ―Shmi Skywalker
Shmi Skywalker was the mother of Anakin Skywalker, living with her son on Tatooine. She could recall no man having participated in his conception, though fortunately, I'm going to rise above taking an easy pot-shot at Swedish girls at this point. Either that or have to comment upon, and subsequently recieve an unpleasant mental image of, the idea that Darth Plagueis, the goth-faced Muun, played a part in said conception. It's possible that Shmi's promiscuity would not have been called into question quite so much, had she not been found flirting shamelessly with Qui-Gon Jinn during his stay in her hovel.
As soon as her son left with said hippy mage, Shmi bunked up with Cliegg Lars, and was later captured by Tusken Raiders. Tortured horribly by the savages, Shmi remained alive just long enough to wait for her son's rescue attempt, then promptly died before managing to tell Anakin how much she loved him. Anakin then closed her eyes and avenged her death with a bloody slaughter, though it has been speculated many of the victims died from over-exposure to the inordinate amount of clichés crowbarred into the scene.
Jacen Solo
- "Jinkies, I'm bored. I think I'll utterly destroy my entire family on a whim, because that's the kind of rad and koovy guy I am. Now I think I'll tend to some furry little creature whilst simultaneously ensuring the downfall of the Galactic Alliance and the annhiliation of the Jedi order. Neato!"
- ―Jacen Solo
Asshat. He's an asshat.
Jariah Syn
- "Kriff! Murglak! And other well-known phrases!"
- ―Jariah Syn
Quinlan Vos is not who this guy is. He looks nothing like him, and he most definately has a different barber. Seriously, I don't even know why anyone would make a connection between these two, because they are, as previously stated, blatantly nothing alike. No, sir.
Gregar Typho
- "Hi, Padmé! I'm your new Head of Security, here to protect y—oh, I see you've got a couple of Jedi bodyguards there. Er. Right. I'll just...just be waiting downstairs. On guard. Right."
- ―Captain Gregar "Redundant" Typho
Gregar Typho, also known as The One Who Isn't Hugh Quarshie, was Senator Padmé Amidala's Head of Security on Coruscant. As evidenced by his eye-patch/blaster combo, he was obviously some type of space-pirate. Despite this degree of coolness, he was sadly named after a brand of teabag.
Finis Valorum
- "Kneel before Valorum! Mwahahahaha! Finally, the Galaxy is mine!"
- ―Valorum on Trying to Take Over the World
Mission Vao
- "Hey, give me back my Pokémon cards, ya big meanie!"
- ―Mission Vao
Mission Vao was a Twi'lek living on Taris with her friend, Zaalbar. As is the norm for female Twi'leks, she was hot. Hey, I've got a mission she can tackle…what? Fourteen? Damn you, BioWare! That's not right!
Halagad Ventor
- "Dude, Abel G Pena rocks! He’s totally cool. Read my Blog...er, I mean, Abel’s Blog! Heh! Heh."
- ―Abel G...der, I mean, Halagad Ventor
Abel G Pena wasn’t born Halagad Ventor and looks nothing like him. So there. He survived Order 66 and helped resurrect the Jedi Order by blabbing out the locations of every secret Jedi hideout to Darth Vader. Seriously, who decided to let that guy in on the hidden coordinates? Bet it was Yoda. Idiot. "Let not Halagad not see hidden locations, do not." Right. Okay, then. Anyway, Ventor managed to return as a Force ghost, probably to laugh at all the Jedi he managed to get killed. Well, wouldn't you?
Vergere
- "Everything I tell you is a lie. Except for that. That was true. Or is that a paradox? And what is a paradox? It’s certainly not the dark side. Because that doesn’t exist. Er. Look, I’m a pink chicken! Dude!"
- ―Vergere on Life, the Universe and Everything
Quinlan Vos
- "Muhahaha! I’ve joined the dark side!! Nah, not really. I’m still a Jedi...a DARK JEDI, that is! Har har har! Woo, tricked you! I’m not really on Dooku’s side. Or am I? Even I don’t know. My head hurts."
- ―Quinlan Vos
Waru
- "Squelch."
- ―Waru, hero of our time
Waru. What can be said about the man, the myth, the blob, that could ever match his supreme supremeness? This page is unworthy of his great greatness of greatitude. As a small token of his important importance, he's got a bigger header. Oh, yes. Bow down, brief mortals! Bow down to Waruuuuuuuuu!
Mace Windu
- "Who's the black Jedi Master that's a Force machine to all the chicks? Mace! You see this cat Mace is a bad mother—shut yo' mouth!"
- ―Just Talkin' Bout Mace
Mace Windu was the cat who didn't back out when there was danger all about. He wielded a purple lightsaber—in actual fact it was pink, though no one dared point this out to him—which was inscribed with the words, "Bad Moisture Farmer".
He kicked some ass during the Battle of Geonosis, and would've kicked Palpatine's scrawny wrinkled ass had it not been for the intervention of Anakin Skywalker, who chose that particular moment to turn to the emo side, costing Mace his arm. After screaming a girly scream of horror, he exclaimed "I have had it with these m*****f***** Sith in this m*****f***** galaxy!" Unfortunately, Windu became distracted by listening to himself talk. Seizing the opportunity, Palpatine fried Windu with bolts of Force lightning, before sending him plunging to his apparent doom in the underlevels of Galactic City.
However, rumor had it that a grizzled, one-armed man fitting Mace's description was seen prowling the underlevels for some years, before apparently teaming up with a hat-wearing Whiphid to, and I quote, "kick those m*****f***** Sith sons-of-b***** back to the f****** Dark Times, yo". This enigmatic figure was reportedly last seen locked in mortal combat with a Sith on a plane. Er, I mean...a hyper-plane. Or something. Whatever. He killed the Sith on a plane with a gun that fired a taser that fired a spork.
Xizor
- "Hey there, baby. Come here often? Hey, is that a mirror in your pocket, because I can see myself in your pants! Hey, are you an angel…nah, I'm just joking. Even I wouldn't use that one. But seriously, how about it? Once you go green you never…er, go back."
- ―Prince "Daddy Cool" Xizor
Xizor was the leader of Black Sun and the third most powerful being in the Galaxy, which isn't bad for someone who is, in essence, a giant green lizard. The guy has freakin' scales running down his back! And he still managed to seduce Princess Leia…well, right up to the point where she kindly rearranged his nads with her knee. Subsequently got all pissy and threw a hissy fit at Darth Vader. Is now very much dead. The moral of the story is, never throw a hissy fit at Darth Vader. Actually, just never be green and scaly would be a better moral, I think.
Yaddle
- "Tap that, I would."
- ―Yoda on Yaddle
Yaddle. Think Yoda with curly brown hair. And probably lady lumps, but I’d rather not.
Yoda
- "I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda. I saw the little runt sitting there on a log, I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said "Yoda"."
- ―Jedi Master Yankovic
Yoda, whose full name was Yoda D'Kana, was a Whill from Grentarik, trained by the legendary Jedi Bontu S…ah-ha-ha-ha-ha, no, I just couldn't do it with a straight face. Dunno how Supes manages it. Anyway, nothing is known about Yoda's past, though some claim he is actually from the mysterious planet Henson, of the Teppum race, though such information has not been verified.
Yoda became a powerful Jedi Master, training a great many students who went on to become valued members of the Order—such as Dooku, a respected Jedi who turned to the dark side, and Ikrit, who was, er, a rabbit. OK, so maybe those were bad examples. He was still pretty powerful…well, for a lil' guy, I mean. And, y'know, only when there were no Sith around, because he wouldn't actually be able to sense a Sith Master if he were sitting right in front of him. Er, I guess he was good with a lightsaber, though. Well, against Dooku, anyway. Um. Did I mention he exiled himself after losing a single battle and went on vacation to his holiday home on Dagobah for twenty-three years? Then he died…but came back as a Force ghost! Well, only on one occasion…at a party. Gee, I thought Yoda was supposed to be, oh, I dunno, cool?
Zaalbar
- "Rawr."
- ―Zaalbar explaining the linguistic diversity of his species
Zaalbar. Wookiee…in DUNGAREES! Awesome.
To be continued....
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