|What They Called Me|
"What They Called Me" was a short comic featured in Star Wars Tales 5. A longer version appeared in Star Wars Gamer 4. Its place in the official Star Wars canon is uncertain, but due to the story's humorous tone, it is likely non-canon.
An eccentric man, who was independently wealthy enough to enjoy his life to the full, talked to himself, describing his latest venture. He told of his previous activities, spelunking on Tatooine, angling on Dagobah and tobogganing on Hoth. He then continued into detail about his "cruise" to the "rugged moon of Endor" for "communing with nature and an opportunity to document the culture of those savage Ewoks." He referred to his decision to "rough it" (which involved bringing his own cooker, stereo system, electric shaver, television, boombox and box of cola) and how he took to the natives. His first "interaction with the tribe" was to "clothe their shame," though this proved to be short-lived. He then attempted to aid in the grooming of a few Ewoks (two at least), which involved shaving off all of their body hair, leaving them naked and shivering. Meanwhile, two Ewoks climbed into his starship to explore. The man then referred to his distaste of the pagan rituals that the Ewoks performed and suggested that these rituals were "too creepy, certain to frighten a conservative tourist market." The man replaced their gods and "absurd tree worship" with televisions and boomboxes. However, amid his "hard work" in "undertaking in the name of cultural relations" he was still able to sight see. Having beheld the "wonder and majesty" of Endor's "virgin forestland," he remarked "beautiful" and threw a cola can to the ground.
Having crammed "all there was to see" in ten days, the man fired up his starship to return to the "heavens." But before he left, a solemn Ewok presented him with some glowing green shards. Unbeknownst to the man, the shards presented were the broken parts of the starship's sublight drive, which the somber scout had dropped and broken while exploring the starship. Passing the shards off as no more than pagan crystals "probably instilled with mythical power," the man also received some "delectable candies" (Gundar droppings), which were "sweet with a touch of sour."
The man looked back on his trip and remembered that he acquired a piece of "Ewokian" vocabulary during his visit, namely the word "Lurdo," who the man suspected to mean "one who is infinitely wise and respected," because, he reasoned as his sublight drive smoked, that's what they called him.
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