The writing is extremely choppy. Please combine some sentences for better flow.
This remains. Many sentences are still very short and choppy. Jonjedigrandmaster(Talk) 17:54, September 12, 2010 (UTC)
"The director became verbally offensive, calling his mine a "legal operation."" How is calling his mine a "legal operation" being verbally offensive?
I smidged the words around.
This still doesn't make sense. Saying that his mine is legal is not being verbally offensive. He must have said something more if he was being offensive. Also, why did he have to defend his mine's legality if all Sykes wanted was information? Did Sykes question the mine's legality? Right now you don't say that he did, which doesn't make sense. Jonjedigrandmaster(Talk) 17:54, September 12, 2010 (UTC)
I put "hostile" instead. You're correct, it doesn't make sense. But he literally has two lines of dialogue to establish himself and the circumstances.
"His words, however, did not detract Sykes" "Detract" means "to reduce or take away the value of" or "to deny or take away as in a quality or achievment to make its subject seem less impressive." I don't think that's what you mean here…
I guess deter would work better.
There is enough info for at least a short P&T.
The best I can come up with is "This individual became defensive when someone challenged his camp."
You could also add that he ordered his defenses to fire on Sykes, too. I'm not familiar with the source material, but perhaps there was something else the mine operator said that gives a clue to his personality. You should be able to work out enough info for at least a one or two-sentence P&T. Jonjedigrandmaster(Talk) 17:54, September 12, 2010 (UTC)
It still seems speculative to me.
Please see the wording changes I made here to avoid speculation. Jonjedigrandmaster(Talk) 15:58, September 14, 2010 (UTC)
One more: perhaps there are further quotes by this operator? If so, they need to be added. One in the bio, and if possible, one in the P&T.Jonjedigrandmaster(Talk) 17:54, September 12, 2010 (UTC)
Added. Like I said, he only had two lines.
One last thing to check: according to Sykes' article, the mine was run by the Trade Federation and also employed Naboo slaves. If this is so, you should add this info to the article, including that this operator was affiliated with the Trade Federation, and that the Naboo captured by the Trade Fed were used as slaves in the mine.Jonjedigrandmaster(Talk) 15:58, September 14, 2010 (UTC)
Upon further reflection, the game does not directly say he is an illegal miner employed by Borvo, only implies it. The article has been updated to reflect that. And i'll kill the redlink soon. Corellian PremierAll along the watchtower 16:19, September 12, 2010 (UTC)
I know I've already supported it and stuff, but could you check again what was he mining? It's crystals in my version, not plasma. QuiGonJinn(Talk) 20:19, September 12, 2010 (UTC)