"Bly and his troops hunted for Shu Mai, a powerful member of the enemy Confederacy of Independent Systems." In this case, "member of the enemy" sounds a bit awkward. Perhaps rephrasing it to something like "...Shu Mai, who was a member of the Separatist Council, the governing body of the..."
Could you make some suggestions here, please? I don't quite see the problem.
"As a clone commander, it was Bly's job to act as an intermediate between the Jedi Generals and the regular clone troopers." The term should be "intermediary," no?
Ah, yes. Fixed.
"His ship had also sustained heavy damage and crashed on the planet as well." Please rephrase.
"but any attempt at stealth was abandoned when the Noghri sprung a surprise attack." Please rephrase; "when the natives ambushed the party" suggested.
"Retreating into the temple, Bly had one trooper stay behind and hold off the attackers, per standard procedure. When that trooper died, another would stop and take his place as rear guard." Please rephrase and consolidate these two sentences.
I'm not quite sure how that would work, or what the problem is with the current sentence. Could you be more specific?
I mean that the two sentences need to be merged; as they are, they're redundant and sloppy. Think military parlance if that helps.
I'm going to have to disagree with you on that point. I'll try and get a third opinion.
"Although the Jedi worked as a team to extract the device, the trap was triggered. Fortunately for the trio, no one was hurt, allowing them to escape the temple unharmed." Again, please rephrase and consolidate.
Why does this need to be consolidated? I don't quite follow here.
Because you use the phrase "worked as a team" only two sentences prior. Again, please merge the two sentences to achieve greater clarity and brevity.
Changed the earlier sentence.
"Bly, roused into consciousness, shot Vos in the shoulder and then fired to kill." Please clarify...was he aiming to kill with the first shot?
This isn't really clarified in the comic, so it's kept ambiguous to avoid any assumptions about the event.
I'd still like to see it reworded; as it stands, the sentence is also a bit awkward.
"Following the Honoghr operation, Bly and Secura served a tour of duty on Anzat." Could this be elaborated upon? If not that's understandable.
Strange one, that. Secura goes to Anzat later in the war, but Databank seems to think that Bly fought in a tour of duty there. There's really nothing to be expanded upon in terms of Bly's role. It's not even meant to be the same trip. I think it's probably a mistake, but we obviously can't make that assumption.
"In 19 BBY, Secura, Bly and the 327th Star Corps were dispatched to Saleucami, where a prolonged siege was taking place." What were they besieging, and why?
That's the next sentence.
The next sentence says something about Morgukai in undergroud tunnels, but not why the Republic is laying siege to the city itself. Is the objective to halt the Morgukai cloning? Details, details!
"The Confederacy was using underground caves below the planet's capital to clone Morgukai warriors, who were subsequently trained by the Anzati." It's generally accepted that in war, you don't want the enemy getting more soldiers and resources. Furthmore, the sentence right after that one states "As these clones would be deadly warriors and an extremely effective tool for the Confederacy, the Republic hoped to nip the situation in the bud."
Meh. Did a bit of tweaking of my own. Should be alright now.
Please add some context for Tol Skorr, as he appears out of the blue.
Well, there's the "Dark Acolyte" link there to be clicked, and he's kind of an aside to Bly's role in the story.
He still jumps into the article seemingly at random. I suggest adding "At some point," just before the link to Dark Acolyte.
Added an "eventually"
The transition between the second and third paragraphs of the Saleucami section is a bit awkward.
Could you be more specific about that?
You leave the second one at "the battle proved to be nothing but a diversion" and start the next one with "Rancisis was found dead in his chambers". It could therefore be assumed by one who knows the series that the mission alluded to in the second was to distract Republic troops from the assassin's mission to kill Rancisis, but to a layperson it's rather unclear. Context is needed.
Is it really, though? Again, I'm afraid I have to disagree, but I'll ask around.
"the large planetary gun" What kind of gun was this?
The model is not specified in the comic. Basically, it's a big gun that shoots at things. ;)
How droll. :-) Perhaps you could be a bit more specific, as "large planetary gun" sounds a bit inane.
What..."a large planetary gun that shot things at ships"? I can only work with what I'm given.
"sent to Felucia to track down Confederate Shu Mai some weeks prior" Again, more context for Shu Mai is desired.
"Shortly after the death of Secura, the Republic became the Galactic Empire." Bit of a lame transition, that.
Bit of context added.
Good enough to be getting along with.
"Bly and fellow trooper CT-6734 (or "Galle")" Please remove the parentheses.