The bio basically comes out of nowhere with no background of him prior to his applying for Wraith Squadron. Please do something to satisfy this.
There's not a single mention of his life before he joined the Wraiths. I thought of adding how his career was in jeopardy because of the pranks but it seemed like speculation. ToRsO bOy 23:40, April 7, 2010 (UTC)
I meant things like his species and occupation (kind of) as a slicer, which you do fine in the intro but don't do in the body. CC7567(talk) 03:50, April 8, 2010 (UTC)
Got it. Added. ToRsO bOy 22:44, April 13, 2010 (UTC)
Can you replace a few of the multiple usages of "try out" with something less colloquial?
"By nightfall, the Wraiths infiltrated": the verb tense isn't matching the preposition; it needs to be either "By nightfall, the Wraiths had infiltrated" or "After <or some other preposition> nightfall, the Wraiths infiltrated…" I'm noticing this tense issue to be a prominent problem throughout the article, so I'd recommend that you take another look at it to check for this.
Is there a specific grammar rule that I kept breaking? I'd be grateful if you could specify it for me so I could go and look it up. ToRsO bOy 22:44, April 13, 2010 (UTC)
It's not a grammar rule per say, but one of chronology; if the preposition indicates something along the lines of "by" or anything that takes place before the actual focus of the sentence/prose, the verb tense needs to reflect that. It's a little challenging for me to explain it; if there turn out to be more problems with this, let me know and I'll help you through it. CC7567(talk) 00:54, April 14, 2010 (UTC)
I appreciate the offer. Thanks. I'm reading up on prepositions and feel free to point others that I missed. Objection fixed by the way. ToRsO bOy 22:53, April 16, 2010 (UTC)
"Thri'ag stayed behind when Night Caller jumped out of the system, and was delivered by New Republic Intelligence agents into the mining corporation's headquarters in order to search for property transfers." I'm nitpicking here, but there are several problems here that are interrupting the flow of the sentence. First off, did Thri'ag stay behind while the Night Caller jumped out of the system? If so, that needs to be said. Secondly, I'm not quite sure if you're saying that Thri'ag was the one who was "delivered by New Republic Intelligence agents" or if it was the Night Caller itself; please try to make this more clear.
"Night Caller was about to dock on the given coordinates": the preposition you use here isn't really the appropriate one; it's rather awkwardly phrased. The best one to use would normally be "about to dock at the given coordinates" or "about to dock to <something at> the given coordinates," but as I'm unsure which one is factually correct, I'll leave you to choose which one to utilize.
Now it's unclear whether or not they actually knew if Thri'ag was the prankster. This needs to be clarified, even if the details behind it aren't mentioned. Adding something brief like "they deduced that Thri'ag was the prankster" will solve this. CC7567(talk) 22:40, April 17, 2010 (UTC)
"After their rendezvous with Hawkbat, Night Caller joined Implacable": the pronoun plurality isn't really matching up to the subject; please check this. If I'm interpreting it wrong somehow, please clarify.
Have the battles of Talasea and Ession been officially named or not? I'm getting confused as to whether they have been because there are so many inconsistent capitalizations of them throughout the article. If they have been named by an official source, then the article needs to reflect this with consistent capitalization, and if they haven't, the article cannot use them as such.
I'm afraid I don't follow on the inconsistent capitalization. Do you mean the actual term Battle of Talasea/Ession? I believe Ession is mentioned but I need to double check on Talasea. ToRsO bOy 21:27, April 17, 2010 (UTC)
Yes. In one quote caption, the Battle of Ession is capitalized, while the later "battles of Talasea and Ession" is not. Humor me, if you will, but please try to check to see if either of them are officially named. CC7567(talk) 22:40, April 17, 2010 (UTC)
Just to clarify, this still remains. CC7567(talk) 05:17, April 19, 2010 (UTC)
I just got a reply from Cylka. Battle of Ession is listed under Ession in the CSWE. But the battle of Talasaea is not. Should it still be capitalized for Ession? ToRsO bOy 09:13, April 19, 2010 (UTC)
If it's officially named, yes, the Battle of Ession should be capitalized wherever you use it. If the "battle of Talasea" term isn't used anywhere at all, then it shouldn't be used in the article; perhaps replace it with "battle at Talasea" when you refer to it. Just a note: since you refer to the "battles of Ession and Talasea," you can just say "battles at Ession and Talasea." CC7567(talk) 22:17, April 19, 2010 (UTC)
Fixed. Just a sidenote though for future articles, if the title of a battle is conjectural, then its still not capitalized, correct? ToRsO bOy 07:32, April 20, 2010 (UTC)
Yes, you are correct, although admittedly, the wiki isn't extremely consistent with this issue. CC7567(talk) 08:14, April 20, 2010 (UTC)
His designation of Wraith Four needs to be mentioned a lot earlier in the Bio rather than all the way down in the Legacy section.
I'll go through the article a second time with you to make sure that everything's in good shape, but good job otherwise. CC7567(talk) 03:48, April 17, 2010 (UTC)
Much thanks for being the first one to dive in. ToRsO bOy 17:35, April 18, 2010 (UTC)
Can the infobox include a place of death?
I added Battle of Ession, since if I just added Ession that would imply he died on the planet. ToRsO bOy 08:54, April 21, 2010 (UTC)
While I understand the dilemma, adding an event instead of a location isn't very accurate either. Was it "over Ession"? Perhaps you can say that to be clear. If it comes down to listing the place of death as the Lucaya system (in which Ession is apparently located), then that's fine too—a specific location is better than an event, which really isn't a clear indication to a location. CC7567(talk) 18:50, April 21, 2010 (UTC)
Can you try to indicate the timeline from the very beginning of the intro (i.e. the first sentence)? Saying something like "during the Galactic Civil War" might help. Currently, it isn't clarified when he "was on the verge of washing out from the New Republic armed forces."
Added on both intro and body. ToRsO bOy 08:54, April 21, 2010 (UTC)
"Shortly after receiving the squadron's official name of Wraith Squadron [...] Antilles announced": I'm a little confused with the wording here, as it's rather awkward. How exactly did Antilles "receive" the squadron's official name? Please clarify.
Changed to approved. ToRsO bOy 08:54, April 21, 2010 (UTC)
"What he discovered was a small outdated durasteel foundry transferred to an alias of Zsinj." This isn't quite clear. Do you mean that he discovered a foundry that had been transferred to an alias of Zsinj?
"were assigned to guard the pirates who surrendered": just to clarify (this may already be factually correct but I want to confirm that you're saying what you want to say), what you're implying here is that all of the pirates surrendered, as opposed to some of them, which would have been expressed by the tense "the pirates who had surrendered." Please check and clarify this; humor me, if you will.
The book didn't imply any pirates who refused to surrender and carried on fighting, so it's the first one. ToRsO bOy 08:54, April 21, 2010 (UTC)
"This proved true when Thri'ag easily sliced into the institute's records": while there's nothing extremely incorrect with this sentence, the usage of "easily" implies that that's the focus of the sentence, as opposed to the fact that Thri'ag would be useful on the trip, which I know is what you're trying to clarify. I would recommend adjusting the wording to something like "This proved true when Thri'ag gained access to a necessary asset [or something with more accurate word choice] by slicing into the institute's records—with ease—and providing the group with floor plan schematics."
The incident with the glass prowler is the first of Thri'ag's pranks you mention, yet you imply that this was not the first prank to befall the squadron. Can this be clarified?
I did thought about mentioning some of his earlier pranks, but they all seemed to disrupt the flow of the article. ToRsO bOy 08:54, April 21, 2010 (UTC)
I understand the issue, but it would be good to at least mention his pranks somehow (or provide a brief run-down of them, like saying "By this time, Thri'ag had started to plague the squadron with pranks" right before you introduce the glass prowler incident) instead of jumping out of nowhere with the glass prowler, as you do now. CC7567(talk) 18:50, April 21, 2010 (UTC)
Great idea. Added. ToRsO bOy 20:51, April 21, 2010 (UTC)
Can you make sure that you somehow link all the quote captions back to Thri'ag? The Legacy quote in particular is the one I'm concerned with, as it seems like a quote without any direct relevancy to Thri'ag. As long as he's mentioned somewhere in the caption (not necessarily in the quote itself), it should be fine.
Any reason you have "talents and abilities" as a subsection of P&T rather than a separate section? Also, is there any reason why he denounces practical jokes in the P&T quote yet takes part in many of them? Otherwise, nicely done.Chack Jadson(Talk) 00:34, April 29, 2010 (UTC)
Error on my part. I ask permission to throw myself out of the airlock to ease my shame. Fixed. Regarding the pranks, it wasn't explained in the novel why he did, I "assume" it's just a way for him to cover his tracks. --ToRsO bOy 01:12, April 29, 2010 (UTC)
"Postponing the training exercise, Antilles ordered the Wraiths to stand by and be useful while he informed Folor Base of the situation." - "be useful" sounds rather odd here... could be be reworded, or is it for a reason? Apart from spelling Sarkin as "Tarkin" a few times (which I've fixed, don't worry,) solid work otherwise Thefourdotelipsis 03:42, May 13, 2010 (UTC)
When he said "be useful", the Wraiths did just that. Loran did something that I can't recall but was useful, and Kell had Thri'ag slice into the Commenor mainframe. I feel that substituting the phrase with "be alert" would be inaccurate. And thanks for the correction on Sarkin/Tarkin mistake, I dunno what I was thinking that time. lol ToRsO bOy 05:57, May 13, 2010 (UTC)
Sounds fine to me. Onwards towards glory, then. Thefourdotelipsis 10:06, May 13, 2010 (UTC)
"While Tainer was planting explosives, the Wraiths were attacked by security probe droids. They managed to destroy all of the droids and escaped the factory by commandeering a cargo skiff." Did they succeed in destroying the factory? --Eyrezer 01:25, May 14, 2010 (UTC)
Yes they did. Added. ToRsO bOy 04:38, May 14, 2010 (UTC)
"Night Caller's captain, Choday Hrakness, decided to attack the two ships before they could escape, taking advantage of their unshielded hulls." I was confused when I read this as to who Hrakness was and whether he was part of Zsinj's forces. Could you mentionon something about him earlier to explain who he is? --Eyrezer 05:31, May 14, 2010 (UTC)
Mentioned him on the first paragraph of Night Caller Charade. ToRsO bOy 06:31, May 14, 2010 (UTC)
Am I correct in assuming that we don't know how he got his nickname "Grinder"? CC7567(talk) 22:59, April 16, 2010 (UTC)
That's right. ToRsO bOy 23:02, April 16, 2010 (UTC)