- Nominated by: ProfessorTofty (talk) 01:07, November 24, 2015 (UTC)
- Nomination comments: A good article nomination that got too long. The original nomination can be found here. Since the Servants of the Empire series has now ended, I think it's safe to say Holshef's story has most likely come to a close. ProfessorTofty (talk) 01:07, November 24, 2015 (UTC)
(1 Inqs/0 Users/1 Total)Edit
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First impression is that the intro could be expanded with more details of the escape. As of right now, it's a bit disproportionately small in comparison with the body. The P&T seems like it could also be expanded. For instance: "He griped that "Today's youth are always in a hurry," and began gathering stacks of his poetry, only for her to stop him, saying that they didn't have time to take anything. He asked if he could just take his latest and she knew it would be better to allow this small demand rather than let him wheedle for hours. When, however, he tried to take an entire year's worth of poems, she cut him off at one week." This alone illustrates some traits that could easily be added in. Need context on the Gray Syndicate, as well as Merei Spanjaf. Do we have any sort of timetable in regards to when these events occurred (i.e. how long after the Empire took control over Lothal?) "When Holshef learned that the Empire was poisoning Lothal's air and water when it would have taken so little to preserve them," How were they poisoning the environment? Please avoid contractions.
- Hmm. I've heard this before, but as I've mentioned before in other article nominations like this, I can find nothing in the manual of style, the nomination guidelines, or anywhere else on the site specifically stating that contractions should be avoided. So I'm not going to avoid contractions for the sole purpose of sounding "more encyclopedic," nor replace contractions in cases where I would otherwise use them. Contractions are a natural and accepted part of the English language. That said, I'm willing to listen if you feel that removing any particular contractions would improve the article, but I'm just not sure removing contractions for the sake of removing contractions really does anything to serve our readers. ProfessorTofty (talk) 05:20, June 15, 2016 (UTC)
"At some point after this, Laxo sold Holshef to a bounty hunter" What do you mean by this? Did he literally sell Holshef to the bounty hunter like a slave, or just the rights to protect him?
- This question came up in the original good article nomination as well. The book phrases it as such: "Laxo opened his eyes. They were like chips of ice. 'I just sold Holshef to a bounty hunter,' he said. 'The hunter will be here in a hour. You're going to take him to your poet friend's latest hideout... and stay while he collects the bounty.'" So I guess the idea is that what he was really selling was Holshef's location, with the idea that the bounty hunter would turn Holshef in and then give him a portion of the bounty. I've edited the article to reflect that.
A lot of the bio seems to focus more on Spanjaf than Holshef. For instance, the raid at the end of "A fugitive artist": How does it affect Holshef? Furthermore, the entirety of "A need to escape" is written from Spanjaf's POV.
- Well, I guess the reason for that is that it's really impossible to tell Holshef's story without Spanjaf because everything we're told revolves around her. It seems to me that if I cut the information from that paragraph, we'd be losing crucial information, but the fact is that there are only about three or four scenes that actually have Holshef present. I did add some more about Holshef at the end of the paragraph you mentioned though; and I'd welcome more direction on this topic. ProfessorTofty (talk) 05:20, June 15, 2016 (UTC)
The quote in the P&T seems like it would be much better as the main quote than the one you have, where neither of the speakers are Holshef. I also think you're too play-by-play narrating everything that's said. Unless what they're talking about is really important, you'd do better just to stick to the actual actions of the story.IFYLOFD (Talk) 00:32, June 3, 2016 (UTC)
Per FAN rule 9, this article cannot have any redlinks.--Exiled Jedi (talk) 02:54, October 4, 2016 (UTC)