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HolshefEdit

  • Nominated by: ProfessorTofty (talk) 01:07, November 24, 2015 (UTC)
  • Nomination comments: A good article nomination that got too long. The original nomination can be found here. Since the Servants of the Empire series has now ended, I think it's safe to say Holshef's story has most likely come to a close. ProfessorTofty (talk) 01:07, November 24, 2015 (UTC)

(1 Inqs/0 Users/1 Total)Edit

(Votes required: 2 Inqvotes required to reach minimum. Additional 4 user or 2 Inq votes required to pass.)

SupportEdit

  1. Inqvote IFYLOFD (Talk) 02:53, June 23, 2016 (UTC)

ObjectEdit

FloydEdit
  • First impression is that the intro could be expanded with more details of the escape. As of right now, it's a bit disproportionately small in comparison with the body.
    • Good point. I think I wrote that back before the release of The Secret Academy and never updated it. Updated now to include details from that title. ProfessorTofty (talk) 05:20, June 15, 2016 (UTC)
  • The P&T seems like it could also be expanded. For instance: "He griped that "Today's youth are always in a hurry," and began gathering stacks of his poetry, only for her to stop him, saying that they didn't have time to take anything. He asked if he could just take his latest and she knew it would be better to allow this small demand rather than let him wheedle for hours. When, however, he tried to take an entire year's worth of poems, she cut him off at one week." This alone illustrates some traits that could easily be added in.
  • Need context on the Gray Syndicate, as well as Merei Spanjaf.
  • Do we have any sort of timetable in regards to when these events occurred (i.e. how long after the Empire took control over Lothal?)
  • "When Holshef learned that the Empire was poisoning Lothal's air and water when it would have taken so little to preserve them," How were they poisoning the environment?
  • Please avoid contractions.
    • Hmm. I've heard this before, but as I've mentioned before in other article nominations like this, I can find nothing in the manual of style, the nomination guidelines, or anywhere else on the site specifically stating that contractions should be avoided. So I'm not going to avoid contractions for the sole purpose of sounding "more encyclopedic," nor replace contractions in cases where I would otherwise use them. Contractions are a natural and accepted part of the English language. That said, I'm willing to listen if you feel that removing any particular contractions would improve the article, but I'm just not sure removing contractions for the sake of removing contractions really does anything to serve our readers. ProfessorTofty (talk) 05:20, June 15, 2016 (UTC)
  • "At some point after this, Laxo sold Holshef to a bounty hunter" What do you mean by this? Did he literally sell Holshef to the bounty hunter like a slave, or just the rights to protect him?
    • This question came up in the original good article nomination as well. The book phrases it as such: "Laxo opened his eyes. They were like chips of ice. 'I just sold Holshef to a bounty hunter,' he said. 'The hunter will be here in a hour. You're going to take him to your poet friend's latest hideout... and stay while he collects the bounty.'" So I guess the idea is that what he was really selling was Holshef's location, with the idea that the bounty hunter would turn Holshef in and then give him a portion of the bounty. I've edited the article to reflect that.
  • A lot of the bio seems to focus more on Spanjaf than Holshef. For instance, the raid at the end of "A fugitive artist": How does it affect Holshef? Furthermore, the entirety of "A need to escape" is written from Spanjaf's POV.
    • Well, I guess the reason for that is that it's really impossible to tell Holshef's story without Spanjaf because everything we're told revolves around her. It seems to me that if I cut the information from that paragraph, we'd be losing crucial information, but the fact is that there are only about three or four scenes that actually have Holshef present. I did add some more about Holshef at the end of the paragraph you mentioned though; and I'd welcome more direction on this topic. ProfessorTofty (talk) 05:20, June 15, 2016 (UTC)
  • The quote in the P&T seems like it would be much better as the main quote than the one you have, where neither of the speakers are Holshef.
    • Fair enough. Made that the main quote and added a new quote for the personality and traits. ProfessorTofty (talk) 05:20, June 15, 2016 (UTC)
  • I also think you're too play-by-play narrating everything that's said. Unless what they're talking about is really important, you'd do better just to stick to the actual actions of the story. IFYLOFD (Talk) 00:32, June 3, 2016 (UTC)
    • Alright, I've tried to chop it down. Let me know what you think now. ProfessorTofty (talk) 05:20, June 15, 2016 (UTC)
Exiled JediEdit
  • Per FAN rule 9, this article cannot have any redlinks.--Exiled Jedi (talk) 02:54, October 4, 2016 (UTC)
    • Quite right. I seem to recall voting in favor of that myself. Redlink taken care of, and while I was it, I also made a few other tweaks to the article. ProfessorTofty (talk) 14:03, October 4, 2016 (UTC)
Imperators IIEdit
  • Please add images. This is FAN rule 14, and an article this long simply cannot do without being illustrated. For ideas, out of the subjects linked in the intro, Lothal, Merei Spanjaf, Jho and Garel all have images that can be used here. Imperators II(Talk) 15:55, August 30, 2017 (UTC)
    • All good suggestions. I added the first three, but decided to skip Garel since the only place that seems right for that is where I already have Old Jho. ProfessorTofty (talk) 03:16, September 7, 2017 (UTC)
      • There's still a lot more room for images. Remember that you should preview the article in the Oasis skin for optimal image placement, since it's the most widely used one by the readers by far. I think the Merei and Jho images should both be moved up a section each (they're introduced there so they'll fit in just fine), and then there'll be room for the Garel image, as well. Heck, if you can think of any other appropriate images, the article will most probably be able to support those, as well. Also, please pay more attention to our policy on image caption punctuation. Imperators II(Talk) 10:49, September 7, 2017 (UTC)
        • Alright, how's it looking now? And as far as I can tell, everything I have is fine in regards to the caption punctuation. ProfessorTofty (talk) 18:28, September 10, 2017 (UTC)
  • Is there really no quote for the "Early life" subsection?
    • I've added a quote related to the sap collecting mentioned in that section which I think works. ProfessorTofty (talk) 03:16, September 7, 2017 (UTC)
  • Why do you have two dating references? It seems to me you could do with just the "fourth year BBY" reference.
    • Hmm. I'm sure my reasons for doing it that way made sense to me at the time, but now that you ask, I don't know why. It may have something to do with the fact that in the "Personality and traits" section I said "five years," but that's not right. Corrected and switched to just the one reference. ProfessorTofty (talk) 03:16, September 7, 2017 (UTC)
  • Please add a backup link to the Amazon template.
  • Please switch to the {{Tumblr}} template for the Tumblr citation and the {{JCFcite}} for the Jedi Council Forums citation.
    • And that has been switched. ProfessorTofty (talk) 03:16, September 7, 2017 (UTC)
      • You didn't switch to JCFCite. Imperators II(Talk) 10:49, September 7, 2017 (UTC)
        • Oops, don't know how I missed that. Okay, that's now switched as well. ProfessorTofty (talk) 15:28, September 7, 2017 (UTC)
  • Review note: I've removed the homeworld reference because you only used information from The Secret Academy in it. The Secret Academy reference is sufficient. Imperators II(Talk) 14:33, August 31, 2017 (UTC)
  • Why do you put Old Jho in quotes in the intro, but not in the article body? Imperators II(Talk) 14:38, August 31, 2017 (UTC)
    • I'm not really sure. In any case, it's taken care of to make it more like it is in the actual article about Old Jho himself, mostly referring to him as simply Jho, except where needed. ProfessorTofty (talk) 03:16, September 7, 2017 (UTC)
  • In the intro, you say Holshef escaped to Garel, but in the article's body you just say he was supposed to meet the Spectres in the Garel system, while ending the History section by saying he escaped Lothal. Imperators II(Talk) 14:45, August 31, 2017 (UTC)
    • Alright, I've edited in all those parts to be consistent. ProfessorTofty (talk) 03:16, September 7, 2017 (UTC)

CommentsEdit

Per the discussion at the featured article nomination for Voorpee, I have gone ahead and removed all non-quoted instances of contractions from this article. ProfessorTofty (talk) 15:48, June 28, 2017 (UTC)

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