"were seized by the native Yevetha workers under resistance leader Nil Spaar as part of their mutiny against the oppressive Imperials, who had been in the process of withdrawing all military personnel and equipment from the Cluster." "Oppressive" is a little POV, no?
Intro: Context please on the Duskhan League.
Intro: Some context on the Black Fleet.
Please link to and contextify the Duskhan League in the body.
"Though the heart of their fleet was gone, they were now outnumbered five to one, and Spaar had been aboard the Intimidator when it departed, the Yevetha nonetheless engaged the New Republic fleet with what they had left: D-type trifoil fighters and 44 Aramadia-class thrustships." Some sort of error is making this sentence rather long-winded; also, please clarify who "they" was, as because it is the start of a new paragraph, it's a little unspecific.
Broken up and clarified.
Very pleasant read otherwise. CC7567(talk) 06:35, March 16, 2010 (UTC)
Intro objections first. This bit goes off on too much extraneous detail that is just unnecessary for the purposes of the intro. Cut this down into a sentence or two small sentences and narrow the focus to the ship itself. Mention the scouting mission if you must, but keep it concise. We're not interested in how long the mission took or who the pilot is that found the ship's existence. Save that stuff for the History: "In an effort to determine the strength of the Duskhan League's forces, several New Republic reconnaissance flights were sent into the Koornacht Cluster. A lone Republic pilot was sent to the N'zoth system, where the Pride of Yevetha was located. As the data of the five-minute flight was analyzed on the Republic capital of Coruscant, Chief of State Solo and all others present were shocked to learn that the Yevetha were in possession of a Star Dreadnought."
Alternatively, this bit doesn't do a great job of introducing what is going on. No where previously does the intro mention anywhere that the Yevetha took Imperials capture, but all of a sudden we're introduced to the fact that some group of Imperials have been imprisoned for more than a decade. Please clarify what is going on, but again, stay away from too much extraneous detail. This objection may in fact be best resolved someplace earlier in the intro, not necessarily this exact sentence: "Unbeknownst to the Yevetha, the Imperial captives of Camp Pa'aal Squadron had spent their thirteen years of captivity installing slave circuitry into the Imperial-designed ships"
Well, I had mentioned that the crews of the warships were taken captive during the uprising, but I reworded the sentence in question to clarify.
Also to go along with the previous objection, you begin calling the vessel the "Intimidator" again at this point with no real explanation, which just kind of becomes confusing. I understand your rationale here, but something needs to be resolved. I might suggest discussing this with me in IRC
I really don't even understand the meaning of this sentence. They went their separate ways? What does that mean? Please avoid the cliche. Additionally, you should clarify, as I'm assuming the case is, that Sorannin and the Empire were unaware of Byss's destruction? Sentence overall just needs to be rewritten for clarity: "However, Byss had been destroyed six years earlier, and gradually the elements of the Black Fleet went their separate ways."
Which "dock" are we talking about here? The Core Worlds or Black-15? Please specify: "Out of the nine ships undergoing repairs at the dock, only the Intimidator was spaceworthy."
Can we briefly specify a reason why he was ordered to evacuate? "When Imperial garrisoncommanderJian Paret received an order to withdraw all military personnel from the system and destroy whatever had to be left behind"
No explanation is given for the order in Before the Storm.
The Nil Spaar article seems to suggest that the Intimidator was the flagship of Black Fleet. Was this always the case as of its move to N'zoth, or only as of the Imperial commander choosing it as his command ship for the evacuation? If it's the former, please specify this somewhere early in the History.
The Intimidator only became the flagship during the failed retreat; there's no indication that it held that status prior to that point.
In the third paragraph of "In the service of the Yevetha," the text alternates between referring to the vessel as both names, which becomes a bit confusing. Please either stick with one, or do some revising as you have done in the intro to clarify. Toprawa and Ralltiir 03:19, March 17, 2010 (UTC)
The image is definitely a shot of the Executor model. If you could find the source of that, it would be a good fact to add to the BTS. - Lord Hydronium 07:28, March 9, 2010 (UTC)
I'm afraid that will be easier said than done. As far as I know, the Fact File does not provide a source for the image; without that, it will be practically impossible to prove the image is a shot of the Executor model. Grand Moff Tranner(Comlink) 21:17, March 9, 2010 (UTC)
Fact File 22 credits it to Lucasfilm Limited; since their physical model of the Executor was the only one produced, it stands to reason it was the model of the Executor. Whether or not this is acceptable enough, I'm not sure. - Cavalier One(Squadron channel) 20:05, March 12, 2010 (UTC)
At most, I could just mention that the image is credited to Lucasfilm. If it doesn't say it's a shot of the Executor model, I'm hesitant to say it definitely is, as it would be speculation/OR. Grand Moff Tranner(Comlink) 20:25, March 12, 2010 (UTC)
I take it those two red links will be killed? :P JangFett(Talk) 20:37, March 12, 2010 (UTC)