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Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Tott Doneeta (second nomination)

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The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Tott DoneetaEdit

(5 Inqs/1 Users/6 Total/INQCON 5)Edit

Support

  1. Inqvote Chack Jadson (Talk) 12:11, 15 August 2009 (UTC)
  2. Inqvote Back when Twi'leks weren't overdone -- —Harrar (Cut the comm chatter) 15:28, 26 August 2009 (UTC)
  3. Inqvote Back when heat storms were actually present on Ryloth... (I'm staring at you, TCW-era Ryloth.) CC7567 (talk) 20:37, 28 August 2009 (UTC)
  4. Great job, Tommy. Wonder why Tott never stuck to one 'saber color?--Jedi Kasra (talk) 14:30, September 12, 2009 (UTC)
  5. Inqvote Cavalier OneFarStar(Squadron channel) 14:02, September 30, 2009 (UTC)
  6. Inqvote -- Darth Culator (Talk) 15:53, October 2, 2009 (UTC)

Object

  1. Alright, picked up on a few things.
    • "he was found by Jedi Master Arca Jeth and trained up as a Knight of the Old Republic." – "Trained up" is rather colloquial; either remove it or change it to something for clarification.
      • Addressed.
    • "In 4,000 BBY, Doneeta and the brothers Qel-Droma" – Not sure what you mean by that. Do you mean "and the Qel-Droma brothers", or what?
      • Addressed.
    • "causing Doneeta's Jedi brother, Ulic Qel-Droma, to subsequently infiltrate their ranks in an attempt to destroy the Krath from within" – I don’t believe Ulic is Doneeta's brother, no? If this is some sort of mutual agreement between the pair, this needs to be clarified; for someone like me who’s unfamiliar with this time period, it’s not clear at all.
      • Addressed.
    • Introduction – context on a "heat storm", and what him losing entailed for himself and his clan.
    • In the section entitled "Jedi Training", clarification regarding the slave ship; were they prisoners, or was this a ship they’d hijacked or what?
      • Doesn't say.
    • In the section entitled "War on Onderon": "Doneeta held position with the Beast Riders in their citadel for several day" – Somewhat colloquial, perhaps it could be reworded to something like "Doneeta and the Beast Riders held the citadel for several days"?
      • Addressed.
    • Same section, "leaving the rescue of Master Jeth as the next order of business." – Order of business too is somewhat colloquial – I’d like to see that changed, please.
      • Addressed.
    • In the section entitled "Beginnings of a crusade": "the peace for which they so desperately fought" – desperately’s POV.
      • Addressed.
    • Same section: "Doneeta revealed his findings at the same moment when Master Jeth" – Same moment as when, perhaps?
      • Addressed.
    • Same section: "and the brothers Qel-Droma" – Reword.
      • Addressed.
    • Same section: "When Exar Kun, a Knight claiming affiliation with the "School of Jedi Archaeology", did arrive," – More context on Exar Kun. A Jedi Knight, or what?
      • Addressed.
    • In the section entitled "Trouble on Deneba": - "the Jedi were also brought up short" – Another colloquial phrase.
      • Addressed.
    • Same section: "Doneeta held position with several of his companions," – colloquial again. "Held position" is the specific.
      • Addressed.
    • So far, I’ve got only down to the "Efforts redoubled" section. I’ll continue my review later today. --Darth tom Imperial Emblem (Imperial Intelligence) 10:04, 29 May 2009 (UTC)
  2. Second look.
    • In the section entitled "Efforts redoubled": "The suggestion then arose amongst the Jedi that they should instead fly their trustworthy S-100 Stinger fighters" - Trustworthy's rather POVish. Perhaps you could have "which had been proven to be reliable before" or something instead?
      • Addressed.
    • Same section: "easily dispatching" - easily's POV. Quickly or something, perhaps?
      • Addressed.
    • "and fended off the Krath's forces" - Shouldn't that be Krath? I would have corrected it, but I don't know enough of the subject matter to be sure.<s/>
      • Addressed.
    • <s>Same section: "Unbeknownst to Doneeta and the rest of the Jedi, fallen Jedi Exar Kun, whom they had previously encountered on Onderon, was also present in Cinnagar, with his own intentions of destroying the Krath as well, for he saw them as an obstacle to his own progression in dark side power." - Run on.
      • Addressed.
    • In the section entitled "Final offensive": "As the Twi'lek worked to preserve all that he could, both Ulic Qel-Droma and and Exar Kun arrived on Ossus, and Doneeta was with Cay when Ulic touched down nearby." - Reword.
      • Addressed.
    • Same section: "Exar Kun tapped into Sith lore more arcane than even he understood and gathered all his Massassi slaves in his temple." - Context on Masassi.
      • Addressed.
    • "However, the combined Force power of nearly all the Jedi was too much for Kun to combat, and while his spirit was freed by Sith arts, it was indeed trapped on Yavin 4 by the talents of the Jedi, forever within the walls of his temple." - Run on.
      • Addressed.
    • In the section entitled "Homecoming": "Tott Doneeta had relocated to his own homeworld to help his Twi'lek brethren seek shelter from incineration by a feared Ryloth heat storm." - Context on heat storm in bio.
      • Addressed.
    • "did the unthinkable" - POV.
      • Addressed.
    • "the mischievous teen" - Mischievous is POV. Try misbehaving or something.
      • Addressed.
    • In the section entitled "Journey to Ryloth", "Towards the convocation's end, Tott Doneeta encountered another of his old friends, the Cathar Jedi Knight Sylvar, who still harbored much hatred for Ulic Qel-Droma, whom she considered a criminal that had escaped atonement for the crimes he committed during the Sith War." is a big run on.
      • Addressed.
    • In the section entitled "Lost cause", "The Twi'lek felt that Sylvar, who sulked throughout the entire event, should have shown more gratitude for the pride the Cathar had taken in her, but to no avail; all she wanted was isolation, and pageants, she felt, were a far cry from her desired solitude." is a long run on.
      • Addressed.
    • "Undaunted by the Cathar Jedi's impressive speed" - Impressive is POV.
      • Addressed.
    • Image caption in the P&T reads: "Tott Doneeta, along with his Jedi Master and brothers, in celebration." - I don't like this use of brother in a non-biological sense.
      • Addressed.
    • "revenge like his Jedi brother, Ulic Qel-Droma" same point.
      • Addressed.
    • "Upon realization of Qel-Droma's corruption, the Twi’lek initially believed that his friend could be rescued and redeemed, but after he accepted the fact that Qel-Droma had willingly succumbed to the wiles of the Krath, Doneeta’s duty as a Jedi superseded his devotion to his friend, for whom he still cared deeply" Run on.
      • Addressed.
    • "who had never been convicted for his war crimes during his time as a Sith Lord." - Of his accused war crimes would work better, or something similar.
      • Addressed.
    • I don't like the "TOTJ" abbreviation in the BtS. I don't think it's much trouble to put it in full, which would be much preferable.
    • That's probably most of what there is; good work, Tommy. :) --Darth tom Imperial Emblem (Imperial Intelligence) 12:07, 31 May 2009 (UTC)
  3. Cylka:
    • You should add that he was born Tottdon'eeta in the article proper.
      • Addressed.
    • Doneeta was later present on the library world of Ossus when the Sith Brotherhood caused a supernova that threatened to devastate the planet, where he gathered many priceless Jedi artifacts and assisted in the evacuation proceedings. - The last part of this sentence reads somewhat awkwardly. You might want to shuffle it around a bit.
      • How's that?
    • The Sith were ultimately defeated by the Jedi, and Qel-Droma led Doneeta and his companions to Kun's stronghold on Yavin 4, where the Twi'lek joined the collective Jedi effort that resulted in Yavin 4's surface destruction and the defeat of Exar Kun. - Two things here: I would add in something about Ulic having renounced his Sith allegiance and make it more clear that the defeat of Kun caused the devastation of the planet. As it reads now, it seems as though the Jedi destroyed the surface intentionally just to defeat Kun.
      • Addressed, and addressed.
    • When he finally recognized where her hate was leading her, Doneeta left his old friend in the deserts of Cathar to contemplate whether she would give into the dark side—or not. - I would reword this sentence to make it a bit more clear that Sylvar's hate was leading her towards the dark side. Also being the last sentence of the intro, I feel that it should focus more on Doneeta than Sylvar.
      • Is this better?
    • Momentarily shaken by the queen's stifling power, Doneeta carried out his mission and remained on the Ranger with Galia - What was his mission? To protect Galia or was it something else?
      • Addressed.
    • The Twi'lek arrived on Thon's world of Ambria and was presented with the Vultan Jedi Oss Wilum. - Why was he presented with Wilum? Was this the aid that Thon was going to give or something else?
      • Addressed.
    • beyond their capabilities of fighting in their current state - What was their current state? It isn't all that clear as to how they were hampered.
      • Addressed.
    • he Jedi's guidance to the Onderonians helped bring about the peace for which they fought - Who was fighting for peace? The Jedi? If so, please make it a bit more clear.
      • Addressed.
    • During the gathering, Doneeta's Jedi brother, Ulic Qel-Droma I'm not really sure that you should use the label Jedi brother in this instance since it may be a bit confusing in regards to Cay and Ulic.
      • That one slipped through the Darth Tom radar. Addressed.
    • Escape pods rained down to Deneba's surface, unleashing Krath-designed war droids that proceeded to fire upon the congregation, while the servant droids that were planetside and assisting with the convocation received a change in programming that ordered them to attack their Jedi owners, focusing on the most powerful of those present. - This sentence is a bit long.
      • Addressed.
    • Tott Doneeta, Ulic's brother Cay, and his lover, Nomi Sunrider, were dispatched - In this instance, it is a bit unclear as to whose lover Nomi is
      • Removed that bit. Addressed
    • The Sith Lord was then scheduled to stand trial, where he would most assuredly be condemned to death. - Is this stated in the source, or is it speculative? Please clarify.
    • OK, this is my review so far. I'll pick it up a bit later. So far, it is really interesting, Tommy. Cylka-talk- 08:18, 21 June 2009 (UTC)
  4. Cylka, cont'd:
    • Jedi Master Thon believed that the Sith planned to once again attack the jump station in jest. - I believe that I know what you mean here, but could you state it a bit more clearly?
      • Addressed.
    • Though successful in releasing his spirit, it was forever trapped on Yavin 4 by the talents of the Jedi within the walls of his temple. - This statement seems to say that the Jedi within the walls of the temple were responsible. Please clarify.
      • Addressed.
    • In the heat storm article it states that Doneeta wanted to help the clan as they were wandering in search of a new home, that is why they were unprotected. I'm not sure if this is correct, but if it is, I think that it would give a bit more clarification as to why he relocated to help with what was a normal occurrence.
      • Should be good now.
    • Doneeta sensed the bitterness within her, and though she embraced it - Is this supposed to mean that she reined it in or reveled in it?
      • Addressed.
    • After the liberation of Onderon, Doneeta was among the Jedi who received instruction in taming and flying the drexl war mounts of the Beast Riders. - This statement seems to contradict the earlier stated While his comrades spent time learning to fly the Beast Riders' warmounts, Doneeta's time revolved around cataloging items.
      • Addressed.
    • That's the end, Tommy. It was an enjoyable read. Cylka-talk- 07:03, 24 June 2009 (UTC) Objection(s) overridden by Inquisitorius 14:02, September 30, 2009 (UTC)
  5. From the scratchpad of Atarumaster88
  6. Got one thing here, not done reading it though.
    • "Doneeta spent his youth as a slave before his family booked passage on a starship that acted as a front for the slaver ring to which they belonged." This confused me. Was his family part of the ring? And he was a slave until he booked passage on a slaver ring when Jeth saved him?
      • Addressed.
    • I'm up to "Rise of the Krath." Chack Jadson (Talk) 22:14, 7 August 2009 (UTC)
  7. Harrar
    • "Awed by the battle prowess of Master Jeth, Tott hoped to one day be like him" — my split infinitive neuroses is bubbling and crackling again. Could you reword "to one day be", or else put up a very fierce defense that split infinitives are no longer frowned on as much as they used to be and that this technique serves the article ;P
      • Addressed.
    • "Tott Doneeta was lending aid in the royal palace, preparing the citadel for habitation by the new king and queen, Oron Kira and Galia." —can you rephrase this out of the imperfect tense, please? It seems unsual to write an article in the imperfect, except when it's "X was doing something when Y appeared"
      • Addressed.
    • Wow, read through the rest and it seems clean. My only concern would be that the P&T & P&A use a lot of comparison to celebrate Doneeta (unlike X, Tott never did...etc). I know he walks the straight and narrow, but I think this can be brought across by simply stating his actions, rather than comparing them to those of others. But it's not an objection; just something to consider for future reference. Brilliant article. -- —Harrar (Cut the comm chatter) 11:50, 25 August 2009 (UTC)
      • Good points, I've addressed these issues in both sections. I appreciate the review, and thanks, Harrar.—Tommy9281 Dark side Master SWGTCG (Talk)
  8. Attack of the Clone
    • "Doneeta flew the Ranger over the Onderonian jungle in search of Galia's abductors. They were spotted by Beast Rider sentries below: who, the Jedi or the abductors?
      • Addressed.
    • "A confrontation between siblings quickly escalated into a duel": does this have an article? If it doesn't, it should; please clarify.
    • Please watch your linking and your dash usage, the former of which tends to be lacking and the latter rather excessive. Also, please heed the WP:MOS for ship class italics. I'll continue with "Post–Exar Kun" later. CC7567 (talk) 19:52, 26 August 2009 (UTC)
      • Please advise specifically what part you are referring to when you say "ship class italics". Thank you, and I look forward to the remainder of your review.—Tommy9281 Dark side Master SWGTCG (Talk) 21:44, 26 August 2009 (UTC)
        • Mainly for your italicization of "Stinger" when it doesn't have the "-class", as it goes against the Manual of Style. CC7567 (talk) 21:59, 26 August 2009 (UTC)

Comments

  • Not objection-worthy, but please check the image caption "Tott Doneeta, along with fellow Jedi celebration". It doesn't seem to be making sense. CC7567 (talk) 20:37, 28 August 2009 (UTC)
  • I think it should be mentioned, and sourced, of course, that Doneeta was a Jedi Guardian, otherwise, it looks good, Tommy.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 21:33, 28 August 2009 (UTC)

Motion to strike objections from Cylka (Inquisitorius vote only)

  1. Inqvote She won't take it personally. Graestan(Talk) 15:40, September 16, 2009 (UTC)
  2. Inqvote CC7567 (talk) 15:42, September 16, 2009 (UTC)
  3. Inqvote Toprawa and Ralltiir 18:07, September 19, 2009 (UTC)
  4. Inqvote — Fiolli {Alpheridies University ComNet} 20:12, September 23, 2009 (UTC)
  5. Inqvote Cavalier OneFarStar(Squadron channel) 14:02, September 30, 2009 (UTC)

Approved by Inquisitorius 15:53, October 2, 2009 (UTC)

Retrieved from "http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Wookieepedia:Featured_article_nominations/Tott_Doneeta_(second_nomination)?oldid=3900904"
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