You should also add more context to various parts of the article. Some of the locations, people, and organizations could used to be described briefly.--Exiled Jedi(Greetings) 01:41, April 30, 2012 (UTC)
"She was a Massad Thrumble design..." Here, it's unclear that "Massad Thrumble" is a person. Can you rephrase? Like, "She was designed by the droidmaker Massad Thrumble" or something?
I think you should spell out that HRD means "human replica droid" upon first mention in both the lead and the body.
Context on Jahan Cross in the intro and body.
Would it be possible to condense the first sentence of "Bio" down to the next section? It's better to not have one-sentence sections whenever possible.
It's short, but it is two sentences.
Context on Milosh Muhrlein and Imperial Research Station 61.
The second-to-last sentence of "MIssion to Wayland" is confusing. She goes to Coruscant to Cross, but suddenly she's separated from him and in some office? Can you rewrite that bit?
In general, I'm not sure why you need section breaks in "Biography" at all. None of them is longer than a paragraph anyway. I'd just have a three-paragraph "Biography section" and ditch the breaks.
personal preference, I like having it broken up by sections, makes it easier to read (and edit) IMO.
I'm leaving this one unstruck, since I still find the section breaks superfluous. Sections of one paragraph are unnecessary in my opinion. However, I will still support once everything else is taken care of, since I acknowledge that this is a minor point. ~Savage 21:47, May 14, 2012 (UTC)
The list of people she gives comments on at the party is a bit difficult to parse. Are the semicolons in the right places? They should go between each person + description. So, "Han Solo, a Corellian smuggler; Chewbacca, a Wookiee mechanic; R2-D2, an astromech droid; Wicket W. Warrick, an Ewok warrior..." Does that make sense?
yeah that was my bad, been a long time since I took grammar and punctuation :)
In general, I think you use "she" and "her" too much for the droid. Try replacing some of the pronouns with her name or nickname to add variety.
Tried to vary it more.
In the Etti IV part, make sure you're telling the story from the droid's point of view. For instance, add a sentence that IN-GA found a connection between Nar and the Starks before Cross contacts her, since she would have known about that connection first, not him.
Context on the Eclipse.
Conext on Iron Eciplse virus.
Who reprogrammed her with the virus? Can you reword active voice to include this information?
"was ordered to kill them." Can you reword active voice to say who ordered her to kill them?
You say she opened fire but was unable to kill Cross. Can you elaborate a bit? Did her shots go wide? Did the guns fail?
Can you elaborate on why she was unable to kill Stark when Cross ordered her to? Was this also something to do with the matrix?
"by knocking out the repulsorlift generators..." What repulsorlift generators?
"flew down to the generators..." Did she literally fly? Or just descend?
Whoah, where'd the Falcon come from? Can you mention it earlier? It kind of appears out of nowhere.
added more context.
Can you add a few words about how the Eclipse fell into Reltooine's atmosphere? Was the station orbiting Reltooine?
In "Characteristics," you should go into much more detail about the droid's physical characteristics. Discuss her body shape (humanoid and female), her plating color (silver), her photoreceptor colors, her facial features, number of fingers on each hand, etc.
expanded section with more details.
I think you can do more. She is not just humanoid, she is a female humanoid (i.e., she has breasts). You don't' have to mention boobs directly if you don't want to, but you should mention that she has the shape of a female humanoid. Also notable for the description are her antenna-like ear-things, and her largely featureless face. ~Savage 21:47, May 14, 2012 (UTC)
Ok added in those details.
In the infobox, you say she was created by Alessi Quon, but this person is not mentioned in the article itself.
From the Mission to Wayland section: "where she was being evaluated by her creator, Alessi Quon."
OK. Maybe add a few words of context for Quon upon first mention then, as in occupation and possibly species if you think it's relevant. ~Savage 21:47, May 14, 2012 (UTC)
Added per Exiled's suggestion also :)
Her droid degree should be mentioned in "characteristics," with a bit of context about what it means.
Although you use the word "she" and "her" to describe the droid in the body, you should probably explicitly say that she had female programming under "characteristics."
I'd say her plating is silver and purple before gray and purple, maybe?
Were her blasters in her wrists (infobox) or in her forearms (Characteristics)?
Can you add publication dates for the story arch she appears in? Publisher too? In other words, mention Dark Horse Comics and give range for when the stories were published, like June to September, 2012, or whatever.
Can you upgrade Reference 3 with Template:Cite web? That's it for now! Good work so far. I'll take another look once these are addressed. :) ~Savage 14:13, May 7, 2012 (UTC)
Cool. As soon as the "inuse" tag is removed, I'll check it over again. ~Savage 13:51, May 11, 2012 (UTC)
OK, struck stuff. Be sure to reply to comments like the one above; I didn't realize you were ready for me to take another look since you never replied! :) ~Savage 21:47, May 14, 2012 (UTC)
One more thing: Does the comic reveal why she's considered a Human replica droid when she doesn't look Human at all? Does she lack the skin of a HRD or something? ~Savage 21:47, May 14, 2012 (UTC)
No idea, she's just identified as a HRD in interviews with the author and on the letters page of issue two. Basically just says she's an HRD without skin or hair. Thanks for the reviews. <-Omicron(Leave a message at the BEEP!) 18:32, May 17, 2012 (UTC)
<s>OK, I think maybe that's worth mentioning in BTS. Maybe cite CSWE and its definition of HRD, then mention that the author calls her a HRD despite the fact she doesn't meet the criteria. ~Savage 18:41, May 21, 2012 (UTC)
Ok I added some more to the BTS but I am not really sure it's worth such a mention. She's identified frequently as a HRD without the hair and skin. To figure out why she's a HRD and not a standard droid, I guess we'd have to read the author's mind, since it's never been referenced as far as I can tell. All sources just state she's a HRD and leave it at that. <-Omicron(Leave a message at the BEEP!) 18:50, May 22, 2012 (UTC)
Well, if a source called a character a Rodian, but they had three eyes and fur, we'd probably say something about the fact that "Character X is called Rodian, despite the fact that he does not match the physical description of that species as shown in The New Essential Guide to Alien Species" or some such. I think you should do the same here, by citing what HRD means in another source (such as The Complete Star Wars Encyclopedia or The New Essential Guide to Droids). ~Savage 22:15, May 22, 2012 (UTC)
Can you cite a source for the fact that HRDs are supposed to have skin and hair? Then we're golden. ~Savage 01:55, May 23, 2012 (UTC)
OK added a source. IMO it's not really worth a mention in the BTS, but I don't mind adding it in for completion :) <-Omicron(Leave a message at the BEEP!) 04:24, May 27, 2012 (UTC)</s>
See Culator's comment below. Apparently, the no-skin HRD thing needs to be mentioned in the "history" and "characteristics" sections instead, since it's directly mentioned in the comic! ~Savage 14:09, May 27, 2012 (UTC)
It's not just in the letters that she's called an HRD, and dialogue itself explains that she is missing a skin overlay. Easier for me to just do this than transcribe it. -- Darth Culator(Talk) 02:49, May 23, 2012 (UTC)
I've already started reviewing the article, but I've only gotten halfway and there are things to correct that I think you would benefit from correcting yourself. The errors mainly include underlinking, lack of context for subjects such as Armand Isard, and formatting issues. Please go through the article carefully and make sure that the rest of the article is in top shape. When you're confident that there aren't any errors or things that require correcting, I'll continue my review.CC7567(talk) 22:35, June 10, 2012 (UTC)
ok went back and linked everything I could think of. Please let me know if I missed anything.
Please note that disambiguation pages like red and purple should not be linked to in the main text of an article. Also, what about scientist being linked to in the intro? Please just take a few more minutes to make sure that everything is properly linked (and not overlinked) before I finish reviewing. CC7567(talk) 23:45, June 10, 2012 (UTC)
Ok fixed scientist link in intro. Didn't realize the color links were considered disambig pages since they mention the colors and aren't marked with the disambig template. <-Omicron(Leave a message at the BEEP!) 23:52, June 10, 2012 (UTC)
That goes for green and purple as well. Please check the article thoroughly. CC7567(talk) 00:12, June 11, 2012 (UTC)
changed the template. Personally I like the dialogue template, but I know our policy is to use quote for two speakers. Thanks for the review. <-Omicron(Leave a message at the BEEP!) 23:41, June 10, 2012 (UTC)
"Despite Quon's objections, he released IN-GA 44 to Jahan for a mission to the planet Etti IV": who is the "he" here?
Context for Iaco Stark.
"She was contacted by Cross during his escape from the Stark Compound: how did Cross get there/why was he there?
I don't believe that is relevant for an article on the droid. Cross's activities are not related to IN-GA in any way.
I have to disagree—if it's important enough to get mentioned in the droid's article, it deserves some context. It should at least be clarified when Cross went there chronologically, since currently the first time it's mentioned is when Cross is escaping from it, which doesn't seem proper. (If the Stark Compound is where Cross met the Starks, then that's worth mentioning.) In general, try to cater to the reader with the amount of context provided—yes, readers can simply click links to read more about subjects mentioned in the article, such as the Stark Compound here, but it's best not to rely on that. CC7567(talk) 04:17, June 13, 2012 (UTC)
Ok reworded the sentence to remove the reference fo the Stark compound. Like I said, Cross's action at the compound aren't really related to Inga. Hope this addresses your objection.
Is it Eclipse or Eclipse? Please check and rectify this inconsistency.
Who are Han Solo and Chewbacca? And if the context doesn't explain their reasons for being there, why were they there?
Added more context for their appearance
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm not seeing a change here. Please check. CC7567(talk) 04:17, June 13, 2012 (UTC)
"Cross and Elli Stark hired a YT-1300 light freighter known as the Millennium Falcon, piloted by Han Solo and Chewbacca, to take them to the space station."
Apologies if I wasn't being clear, but more context is needed to explain who Solo and Chewbacca are. Who are they? Rebels? Freelance pilots? Still smugglers at this point? I realize that they're major Star Wars characters, but it would be best to explain their affiliation at this time, simply if they're Rebels. CC7567(talk) 21:01, June 17, 2012 (UTC)
OK added in some more details on them.
I would highly recommend splitting up the first paragraph of "On the Eclipse" somewhere; right now it's looking very unwieldy and hard to read.
split up into multiple paragraphs
Also, the same paragraph is reading very choppy, with a lot of short sentences. Try reading it aloud and see if there are places that you can edit to improve the sentence flow.
tried to give it better flow
"Cross decided not to return to the station and explained that he couldn't jeopardize the Falcon by returning. Cross also thought IN-GA 44 might still be infected by the Iron Eclipse virus and that she could be dangerous. If she was not, she would have the only remaining copies of the virus's code, and Cross did not want that to fall into the Empire's hands, because he thought the virus would cause chaos." The more important event that should be mentioned before all of this is IN-GA 44's death. Even if it doesn't take place chronologically prior to then, it seems rather abrupt to end the section with her death instead.
While I don't agree, I did adjust the wording on the end of that section per your suggestions.
"IN-GA 44 was extremely adept in combat and was able to successfully defeat multiple opponents at the same time": opponents such as? It would also be worth noting whether these opponents are mechanical or organic, as that will speak toward her skill level.
I'll be working with you more on the article, but in the meantime I'd recommend that you just take a moment to read through the article (out loud, preferably) and see where you can improve sentence flow. An encyclopedic tone is always required for writing articles like these, but the wording, grammar, etc. should still flow to make it appealing to the reader. CC7567(talk) 00:12, June 11, 2012 (UTC)
I've reread the article many times, and it seems ok to me. I guess at the author, I can't see/hear the issues you have with it. Please feel free to update the article or give me suggestion on what I can do to get this article ready for approval. Thanks for the review. <-Omicron(Leave a message at the BEEP!) 22:21, June 12, 2012 (UTC)
Can the intro be expanded at all? It seems like the article would benefit from it because currently, the intro is rather small when compared to the rest of the article. Also, it doesn't even mention the fact that she was destroyed, which is something definitely worth mentioning in introductions. Please see what you can add to spruce up the intro.CC7567(talk) 04:17, June 13, 2012 (UTC)
I think it's also worth noting that she was infected with the Iron Eclipse virus during the course of her investigation. Major things like that should be noted in the intro. Please check to see if there's anything else you think is notable enough to be in the intro. CC7567(talk) 21:01, June 17, 2012 (UTC)
Context on Iaclyn, please. I realize this is the intro, where detail is usually not enforced, but it appears necessary here to acquaint the reader with this Stark. CC7567(talk) 04:01, June 22, 2012 (UTC)
Can you provide a different kind of context, perhaps that he was a business person or something? Introducing family relations is context, but if you mention Iaco you also need to provide context for him, and it doesn't seem necessary to mention Iaco. CC7567(talk) 04:41, June 22, 2012 (UTC)
For at least the body, and possibly also the intro, why exactly was the Iron Eclipse virus created by the Starks? Seeing as she was a victim of the virus, it seems relevant to specify this in the article.CC7567(talk) 06:40, June 24, 2012 (UTC)
ok added some more information about the virus to the intro, body of article already give a description of the virus. "While on the Eclipse, IN-GA 44 was reprogrammed by Iaclyn Stark with the Iron Eclipse virus, which allowed the Starks to command any droid." <-Omicron(Leave a message at the BEEP!) 01:33, June 26, 2012 (UTC)
Yes, but why did they create the virus? So they could command and gain a droid army? Just for fun? The body, at least, doesn't make this clear, and it would also be nice to have more of an explanation about why the virus was created in the intro. CC7567(talk) 02:32, June 27, 2012 (UTC)
"She was a companion and aide to Imperial Intelligence agent Jahan Cross." At this point, we don't know whether you're referring to Alessi or Inga because you don't specify one way or the other that either of them are female/female programmed.
Added feminine to the first sentence, I believe that implies the pronoun she would apply to Inga.
As per what I quoted, I'm looking for an adjustment in the main body, not the intro. Jonjedigrandmaster(Talk) 06:38, July 12, 2012 (UTC)
Ok added the feminine programming like in the intro.
Some linking mistakes throughout.
Not sure what links are incorrect, please let me know so I can fix them.
You have both underlinking (e.g. "atmosphere" in the intro, "planet" in the body, and a lack of links for missions/skirmishes) and overlinking (e.g. links in the quote attributions). I shouldn't have to point out every example for you; please look through the article carefully and double-check what you do and don't have. Jonjedigrandmaster(Talk) 15:45, July 10, 2012 (UTC)
Ok went through the article again and added some missing links. If there's anything I'm missing, please let me know. As for links to the missions/skirmishes, none of them have names. I guess I'll have to create some conjectural articles. Do they have to be in the main prose, or would linking to the subheadings be good enough?
For articles that have yet to be created, please do redlink them. You can create them at your convenience, or—as long as they aren't in the intro and there aren't too many per FAN rule 8—you can leave them as redlinks indefinitely. Jonjedigrandmaster(Talk) 06:38, July 12, 2012 (UTC)
Ok created article for the missions.
I think it would be better to stick to calling the droid IN-GA 44 or Inga throughout, for consistency's sake.
Removed all "Inga" references from the article except for the intro.
That leaves "Inga" unsourced. Please remember that everything in the intro must still be mentioned at least once in the body. Jonjedigrandmaster(Talk) 15:45, July 10, 2012 (UTC)
Added Inga as an informal name to the Biography section.
"Female" is redundant in the first sentence of the Characteristics section.
You have a few choppy sentences throughout; I know it's not easy, but see what you can find and restructure.
Did some rewriting, let me know what else might need to be addressed.
Better; some bits of the Characteristics section are still choppy, and you have some grammar mistakes throughout the body. See what more you can find, and if there's anything left I'll take care of it. Jonjedigrandmaster(Talk) 15:45, July 10, 2012 (UTC)
Did some editing on the article, trying to improve the flow of the paragraphs.