- The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.
Unidentified Trandoshan bounty hunter[]
- Nominated by: NaruHina Talk 17:08, 22 June 2009 (UTC)
- Nomination comments: I was going to put this up last night, but I forgot :P
(3 ACs/2 Users/5 Total)[]
Support
- QuiGonJinn (Talk) 14:39, 23 June 2009 (UTC)
- Toprawa and Ralltiir 19:14, 21 July 2009 (UTC)
- --Kreivi Wolter 19:26, 21 July 2009 (UTC)
- CC7567 (talk) 22:49, 21 July 2009 (UTC)
- Cavalier One(Squadron channel) 08:56, 22 July 2009 (UTC)
Object
- I sense a disturbance in the article
First of all, I think he should be called Unidentified Trandoshan bounty hunter. It is more specific than male.Intro: He was planning to capture the Senator Shayla Paige-Tarkin and give him over to the CIS in order to collect the large bounty on any Galactic Senate member but was intercepted by Commander Fox, the leader of a group of specially trained clone troopers that performed actions for the Senate called the Coruscant Guard This one is bit run-on and feels like the Coruscant Guard was the name of the Senate and not the group.Same sentence. I'm not really fond of using acronyms ("CIS") in the articles. Change it to "the Confederacy" or "the Separatists".This Trandoshan bounty hunter, trying to capitalize on the large bounty for members of the Galactic Senate offered by the Confederacy of Independent Systems despite the fact that no one had ever succeeded, traveled to Coruscant, the Republic's capital planet, in an attempt to kidnap Senator Shayla Paige-Tarkin.This one is a run-on too. I suggest you to write a separate sentence about the bounty on the Senate members and start talking about the Trandoshan in the next one.Although the first "this" is OK, I think that he should be called "the Trandoshan" after that.Fox once again told him to surrender and noticed that he had begun looking at the edge of the building so he threatened to shoot the male out of the sky if he tried to use his jetpack again. Awkward. Please reword.May find more later...QuiGonJinn (Talk) 18:26, 22 June 2009 (UTC)
The name in his infobox is incorrect on two counts. -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 23:26, 22 June 2009 (UTC)- The clone
Please split up the bio by starting at least one new paragraph somewhere; right now, it's an unwieldy wall of text.I would suggest running through the bio again; there are a lot of "he"s and uses of "his" that could apply to either the bounty hunter or Fox.- I think I got them all. --Naru
"The bounty hunter refused, squeezing the trigger of his gun, when Fox took advantage of the Trandoshan species' slow reaction time and shot the gun out of the alien's hands." The chronology here isn't working; also, reaction to what?- Fixed. --Naru
Please try not to use "so" as much as you do right now; it's often too colloquial for formal writing. I would suggest checking over the article again for this, but it's particularly the first few sentences of the bio that bug me, as well as here: "The bounty hunter knew that he had lost so he gave in and was taken into custody by the Guard."- Fixed. --Naru
"After his plan was discovered by Commander Fox, he showed that he was not very accurate with his blaster, though able to score some near hits, and slow on the trigger in general." Please reword this; it's too choppy.- Fixed --Naru
"but* he would surrender reluctantly if there was no chance of escape": this sounds like it's a trend, like he would do it every time he was put into this situation. It's only been known to happen once, so please reword it.- Reworded --Naru
- Next time, I would suggest proofreading your articles more before nominating them; the "Biography" was instead "History", and there were several redirects in the article. CC7567 (talk) 23:38, 2 July 2009 (UTC)
Please vary "though" in the P&T.CC7567 (talk) 04:28, 8 July 2009 (UTC)
Objections.“This individual, a male Trandoshan bounty hunter, lived during the Clone Wars conflict between the Galactic Republic—the dominant galactic government of the time—and the Confederacy of Independent Systems, a group of separatists that seceded from the Republic.” – Not a good opening. Give something better as an encyclopaedic opening, not “this individual”.- Never mind; can't think of a better alternative. --Darth tom (Imperial Intelligence) 14:55, 7 July 2009 (UTC)
Another problem is that the “a male Trandoshan bounty hunter” doesn’t go well where it is.It’s also a run on. I’d suggest starting from scratch with that part. Break it down and reword.The introduction’s got a variety of tenses; sometimes it’s past, sometimes not. All to past, please.Go through the article and check all links possible are linked; “Senator”, for instance.Way too much detail on the fight in the biography; cut down some.“Commed” is too colloquial.“Clambering” is too colloquial.If the source in question doesn’t specify that Trandoshans are naturally slow at firing or whatever, then you need a source for that.- That's what I took: "'T'doshok no surrender!' he howled as his clawed finger squeezed the trigger of his scatter gun. Good thing the Trandoshans are slow, I thought as I squeezed the trigger of my own blaster." to mean. I can change it if you think that isn't sufficient
“Pulled off” is too colloquial.- Fixed
Same source point for the slow fact in P&T.Expand BtS somewhat, and same point as objection 1.- Those are my first objections. --Darth tom (Imperial Intelligence) 08:15, 6 July 2009 (UTC)
- Objection(s) overridden by AgriCorps 02:55, 20 July 2009 (UTC)
- Attack of the Clone II
Please try to expand the intro. I know that the basic stuff is there, but what currently vexes me is that there's more context than information pertaining to the bounty hunter, and it's an unequal balance. Please do something about it.The last sentence of the bio is too choppy, and I'm getting the feeling that you're trying to go for the "storybook" effect with a lot of pauses. Please don't.Please vary one of the "carried" uses in the last paragraph of the P&T.CC7567 (talk) 00:11, 19 July 2009 (UTC)
- Toprawa:
Please link "speeder" to something more specific, if we can. "Speeder" is only a disambig page: "he took shelter behind an old speeder."Toprawa and Ralltiir 01:56, 20 July 2009 (UTC)- The type of speeder is unspecified so I'm unsure which to link to. NaruHina Talk 05:54, 21 July 2009 (UTC)
- I've just gone ahead and linked it to airspeeder, which is most fitting with Coruscant. Toprawa and Ralltiir 19:14, 21 July 2009 (UTC)
- The type of speeder is unspecified so I'm unsure which to link to. NaruHina Talk 05:54, 21 July 2009 (UTC)
Comments
- Added {{Conjecture}} tag. JangFett Talk 18:37, 22 June 2009 (UTC)
- I'll take another look later if I get the chance. CC7567 (talk) 04:28, 8 July 2009 (UTC)
Approved as a Good article by AgriCorps 08:56, 22 July 2009 (UTC)
Vote to strike Darth tom's objections (AC only)[]
- Again, he's not coming back till the 31st, and at this point they appear to be fixed. CC7567 (talk) 02:05, 20 July 2009 (UTC)
- Toprawa and Ralltiir 02:27, 20 July 2009 (UTC)
- Grunny (Talk) 02:55, 20 July 2009 (UTC)